Yabba Dabba Screwed

I could have just as easily called this effort, “Scooby Doobie Screwed”, but I didn’t want to perpetuate any negative stereotypes out there about what we “artists” use as inspiration for our work. I also didn’t want this entry to be confused with my other “Doobie” bit, as it is a different beast all together. In HOLLYWOOD it seems to me that there is an abundance of the “smoking of the ganja”. It is endorsed by a large number of CELEBRITIES such as Woody Harrelson ,Seth Rogen ,Snoop Dogg (had NO idea), Frances McDormand

(REALLY had NO idea), etc. There have also been a large number of Movies and TV shows that seem to promote “the blazing of the bud”. “Weeds”

, on SHOWTIME, a company that “helps” me to sponsor a charity on my WordPress spot, is a fine example of a show whose name alone leaves no room to the imagination. “That 70′s Show ” was another, with everyone in the cast, including the parents from time to time, being seen passing the “dutchie” to the left hand side. In Feature Film there have obviously been a lot of movies with drug use in them: Pineapple Express , Dazed and Confused and anything including Cheech and Chong immediately spring to mind. “I” personally do not endorse the smoking of the grass, for a variety of reasons, but that isn’t what this “bit” is about.

What I’m actually trying to get at, (it takes me a while sometimes and in actuality, I’m still not”quite” there), is that by the looks of it and the current state of Film and Television Production today, a large number of those “in” the industry today HAVE to be high on something or under the influence of one or more controlled substances. There is absolutely no other viable explanation (to me) for the reason why there is so much CRAP being churned out by the Major Studios. I can’t make sense of it. They have to be “blotto” on the “Pakalolo Funk” for the industry to look so “messed up” all the time. Do they have random drug-testing? It would be interesting to be a fly on the bathroom wall during “breaks” at some of these Industry Meetings. Probably goes something like this:

“Hey Jeff! – snnnnniiiiiffffff! —snn–snn–snnoorrrt—Aaaah. How ya’ think it’s going in there?”. . .

“Oh Hey, Al! snnnnooooorrrrrttt—snifff—snnn—-snnnn—snnnniiiifff—Aaaahh! Haga Daga! ooo, I don’t know, man? Do you think they were ‘feelin’ the pitch about the ‘Paul Blart 2′?”. . .

“I don’t know Jeff–snifff-snifff ” (washing hands-looking in the mirror) “But I definitely think they bit on the ‘GI Joe 3-D thing.” . . .

“Yeah. . . sniff, (clearing throat-cough)

“. . . Man, they must be ‘blotto’ on some serious ‘Pakalolo Funk’ chortle – *hack* (washing hands-quick nostril check) You wanna’ cut out early and hit Happy Hour at Applebees?” . . .

“Sounds good. . . Hey, check out what my son did at his preschool. . . I saved it on my phone. . . I’ve got an audition set up with him next week with Spielberg. . . sniff, sniff”

“. . . Nice. . . nice phone. . .”

Okay, so it does look a little like I’m talking about drugs. You might think that. But as we already know from your track record, you’ve been known to be “wrong”. . . like, a lot. No, what I’d really like to discuss is something else I’ve noticed as the father of a 7 year old. Coincidentally, I am also the parent of a 14, 16 and 21 year old, but for purposes of this discussion they are virtually worthless. . . Not to say my children are worthless, they’re just of “no value” in terms of my most recent observation. I will use them when I decide to discuss puberty, disrespect of authority, hatred of me or MUSIC

. But, for now, I’ll be using the one person I identify with most in my household on an intellectual level. . . my 7 year old.

My daughter has ADHD . I know this is a “trendy” disorder that has decided to “nail” just about every single American family that has had children since around late ’93-early ’94. It is an epidemic of cataclysmic proportions and I agree that something needs to be done about it. . . But, for now, I will just try to “treat her” by keeping her occupied with doing 25 different things at once, so she won’t throw THE FIT TO END ALL FITS . (which she has come close to doing several times in highly visible and very public places in full view of everyone, knowing we cannot spank in public or we will be taken away to where “Dad” used to go before he met “Mama”- it was college, I wasn’t supposed to be ‘drinking’ while being 18 and stupid)

You may think the last thing we need to do, as responsible and concerned parents, is to give in to my child’s time-consuming and seemingly selfish demands for constant “entertainment”. Fortunately, for all involved, I place about as much value on your opinion of my parenting skills (or lack thereof), as I do on my 14, 16, or 21 year old’s. As long as I “feed” you occasionally and tell you, you’re “loved” and “appreciated”, you all should end up just fine.

Being diagnosed as someone “suffering” with Adult ADD , in my 20′s (now 41), I can sympathize with my daughter’s “plight”. But as an adult (with ADD) do I really need to say“suffering”? I don’t recall ever suffering throughout my childhood, adolescence or adulthood for being “scatter-brained”. (Seems I was diagnosed late-how do they know that?) In fact, I think I function at a fairly High Level, even with this dreadful “condition”. My wife may disagree, especially when it comes to “the task” of picking up something at the Grocery Store . Apparently, I get the“wrong thing” every single time she sends me to the store to pick something up. Yet she continues to send me, TIME AFTER TIME. So who’s the “sick” one in that scenario? I’m perfectly fine having two different kinds of frozen vegetables in my Tuna Casserole, when I was given “explicit” instructions to only get the ’California Blend’. (I got California AND Santa Fe) AND, it wasn’t supposed to be Tuna, it was supposed to be Chicken. But in my defense, and in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? My point is I’m not “suffering”. None of us are. Well not from ADD or ADHD . We “ate” didn’t we? So what does any of this have to do with my 7 year old daughter? I’m not exactly sure. I lost my train of thought. . . OH, I remember!

via Hulu

By observing my daughter and her need for Constant mental stimulation, I’ve decided that she is Absolutely, Positively, Beyond the Shadow of a Doubt . . . BRILLIANT. She always needs to be on the computer, eating, playing with toys, and watching television. . . simultaneously. I don’t look at this as a “problem”. I look at this as “MULTI-TASKING “. It also makes it a little easier for “mom” or I to sneak away for some “alone” time, when we can keep her preoccupied with 157 different activities all at once. She seems to be adapting rather well. Very large vocabulary, good Social and Behavioral Skills (when it comes to the Public-With “Us”? Woooaahh Nellie!)

via YouTube

But that’s Okay. She’s a “child”. So in an effort to forge a deeper and more meaningful bond with my daughter (and co-sufferer), before she decides I know absolutely “Nothing of Any Pertinent Relevance or Practical Value” , I’ve decided to introduce her to some of the Television Programming of My Youth. Instead of Naked Brothers (whose every other show is about kids making out); Instead of iCarly (whose every other show is about kids making out); Instead of Hannah Montana (whose every other show is stupid), we take a break and watch some Sesame Street , some Reading Rainbow and some more genteel cartoons. Like Scooby Doo , The Flintstones or anything else on Boomerang .

(In the past, I have spoken about ABC Family – who bill their channel as “A DIFFERENT Kind of Family” and I will again. . . but right now, I am referring to shows that have the outward appearance of being “Family-Friendly”. By all accounts, my friends at ABC Family haven’t put together a show that remotely comes close to being friendly to ANY family. . . unless the Manson’s count. . . or the Kardashians)

After sitting down with her and playing toys, games, coloring, and eating dinner (simultaneously), we watched a little “Fred and Barney“. I looked over at her, she looked back and gave me that “Winning Smile”. . . She’s also GORGEOUS. She reached out her hand and squeezed mine. Then in the cutest voice she could muster, she said, “Dad, I think I’m a little too old for this. Can we watch something that isn’t dumb?”

Being “Who I Am” and knowing that I want to take a crack at Children’s Entertainment, my heart sank. I think the same “executives” in charge of what HOLLYWOOD is turning out nowadays, may be getting to my baby! She’s just an innocent in all of this! My little girl is growing up, “Suffering a Horrible Affliction”. We need to do something Fast or we’re all “Yabba Dabba Screwed “. . .