Men Who LOVE Football & the Women Who TOLERATE Them (There’s no “U” in TEAM)

…By which, I mean they tolerate the men…loving “Football”……They don’t really tolerate football…

…The fact is, I think there are a large number of women that would like to “ban” football (and most ‘sports’, excluding figure skating and maybe gymnastics – neither of which, do I ‘personally’ consider ‘SPORTS’ as much as I consider them ‘DANCING’)

Okay, have I pissed off a few “Soccer Moms” yet? Good… I have your attention… But before you all pile into your Lexus Minivans and pedal your “multi-tasking” asses over to “my” house for a good old-fashioned “Sexist Pig Beatdown” (soccer mom-style) I think I need to lay down the “Groundrules”… “RULES”, by the way, more than likely, would have never been invented, had it not been for “SPORTS”. For the record, I don’t personally have anything against “DANCING”. As long as it is done “well” and is NOT done “…With the STARS”.

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Oh sure, there’s a good number of women out there that “LOVE” football. They “LOVE” watching the “BIG GAME”… There are also women that own motorcycles. There are female body-builders, women that smoke cigars and women that could otherwise “Kick My Ass”… But in “MY” world, I usually only come in contact with these women as a “spectator” or “from a distance” … Because these women “SCARE ME”. Before I’m accused of being a “traditionalist”, in terms of “gender roles” in our society, let me assure you – I don’t fear what these women “represent”. The self-assured, confident, career-driven women that comprise a large part of today’s corporate and social heirarchy…

No… I’m talking about those “other” women… the ones that genuinely ”Physically SCARE ME”.

… Because in terms of traditional “MALE” roles, they are more “MAN” than I’ll ever be. That being said, I’ve always been comfortable being a “dude”. As long as that included being “ME”. When I was given my “Gender Assignment” early on during my “Gender Education and Preparatory Schooling“, I was handed an “empty” 3-ring binder…My teacher - in this totally fantastical scenario – My Parents, basically, gave me the following instruction, so that I might successfully complete my

“Gender Homework“:

Do the best that you can and fill it with what you “learn”.
This will be graded on a “curve”.
Don’t “cram” for it, as you will retain less of what you might otherwise learn as the class progresses.
There are NO “Right answers”, but there are “Wrong questions”. (Never ask a chick if she’s pregnant…if she “isn’t“, it can get REAL ugly)
If all else fails…choose (D)All of the Above

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In “MY” world (which is the place I spend the bulk of my time)

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I see a LOT of “stuff” going on that I find amusing. The way that I “perceive” HOW or WHY these things happen is subject to change, at ANY TIME, without written notification, “just cause” or your parents’ permission.

THAT IS THE ONLY RULE.

On that note, I’d like to briefly discuss “Parents and Sports”. There are those of you out there who insist on living life vicariously through your children. One of the ways you choose to do that is by starting them “early” in an “Athletic Program”. It seems (again, in “MY” world) that this is happening at an earlier and earlier age. Usually, when the kids are capable of walking or in some cases – “teetering”. I suppose that is perfectly okay for parents who have decent health insurance and don’t mind a bi-weekly trip to their local emergency room. Chances are, if you can afford the Lexus minivan you were going to drive over to my “well-fortified and difficult-to-find” home in an effort to “set me straight”, then you don’t mind spending a few extra bucks, so that your children can learn what “sportsmanship” is all about… right? You’re “GREAT” parents! Good for you!

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…BUT…and it’s a “HUGE” BUT… Like Rosie O’Donnell - “HUGE”…

…you might be a parent more like me or my wife (Except for the whole, “We’re AWESOME at it and YOU NEED HELP” part) Anyway, you hear “other” parents extolling the virtues of sports, athletics and mortgaging their homes in an attempt to buy all of the necessary athletic equipment and pay “Fees” (spelled with a CAPITAL “F”) in order that their kids can try out for a “team” (notice, there is not only no “i” in “team”, but “u” ain’t in it either) that they will not make “starter” for and will lose interest in anyway, once the “coach” mentions either the words “shower” or “wind sprints”. You hear schools preach about how athletics teaches children about discipline, self-esteem and OTHER very important “character-building” fundamentals that “YOU”, as a parent, are falling woefully short of doing at home… Don’t feel bad… We can’t be expected to do “EVERYTHING”.

That’s why, instead of “SPORTS”, I think you should encourage your kids to get a “JOB”…

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The same “RULES” apply… The “earlier” the “better”. Your children can learn all of the same things that sports could teach them (but rarely do) by starting them on a “Career Pathway to Success”. There is an “added” benefit to starting your kids working… They can “PAY” for their “OWN STUFF”. They can learn the value of “money”. That everything in life comes at a “cost”. Most importantly the come to understand that “YOU” (the parent or whatever you think you are) is NOT a full-service ATM. Just a thought… (as you may know, I get several of those… sometimes “consecutively”)

“But,” you may ask, practically beside yourselves with concern for the well-being of kids and the future of this great country (or yours, if you don’t live in the Netherlands) “What about letting kids enjoy their childhoods?”

To which, I would respectfully reply, “YOU are the ones pushing them into growing up too fast… Have you SEEN what your kids are FILLING THEIR BRAINS with?… Now PISS OFF!“…

You’re right… that might have been a little harsh. You obviously have NO IDEA what your kids are up to… I apologize.

Of course, you must understand I am not encouraging you to break any Child Labor Laws. Our nation (well, the one I live in) having seemingly done away with “paper routes” around the time “I” had one (age 11) appears to have granted the U.S. Department of Labor the “power” to set the minimum age for being employed in “THESE UNITED STATES” at age 14… Now, being a current resident of California, I would argue that a LARGE NUMBER of “children” seem to be doing more than “hanging out” in any number of “Agricultural-Type Fields, Where Stuff We Eat Is Grown” around my house (and some of them appear to be kindergartners)… But I also see these kids as I drive my kids to school, so I “might” be missing some sort of “NEW”labor law or something… I should probably look into that.

(*not an actual photo of the kids “hanging out” in the fields by my house)

The point is (I’m almost certain, I still have one) that Sports are “important” to some people… I just don’t happen to be one of them.

Don’t get me wrong. (How could you?) In addition to having a number of “jobs” in my youth, I also participated in my share of organized sports. Though, when “I” participated in the sport, it didn’t always look quite as “organized” as when my teammates did it. I was an “average” student athlete, that grew up (sort of) to be an “above average”adult.

(see?)

But I’d be remiss in saying that “sports or athletics” really had a hand in the type of person I became. It was more of a pastime. Kind of like playing video games. Neither of which led me down my “career path”. Statistically, 2 percent* of student athletes become “Professional Athletes” – with the number of people becoming “Professional Wrestlers” dropping to about 0.8 percent**. (which would have been my “athletic goal”, had I not been sidelined with a knee injury – playing ping-pong on a linoleum floor, while wearing socks when I was 10 – coincidentally, around the time I started my lucrative “newspaper delivery career”) Eventually, I recovered to gain a partial “baseball” scholarship to college (a very small college) but my hopes of landing a “Tombstone Piledriver” had long since been left on the wayside. I was also dealt a blow, when it was recently revealed to me that “Professional Wrestling” isn’t technically considered a “SPORT” anymore, but rather as “Sports Entertainment”… Mind-boggling.

* statistic I really looked up and not just one I pulled out of my ass.

** statistic I looked up, though not through a “trusted source”† so I don’t really know how reliable it is as a reference – Now that I think about it, maybe I should have just pulled a fake stat out of my ass… like you’d even know the difference.

† a “trusted source” to me, is usually the first thing I find when I look it up on the internet (unless it says “Groupon” or “QuiBids”).

…So where does that leave us in all of this?…

“DO I” or “DON’T I” like Football? After all, isn’t “that” what the title of this eluded to?

Yep… it did… and YES… I “DO”… but the RULES have changed…

“What?!” …after ALL of the crap that I talked on sports and about how “little” importance I place on them in relation to child development?

“Yep… I like to watch football…High School, College and Pro”.

But before you dismiss my arguments as hypocritical, I think I need to explain how my enjoyment of football (and sports in general) has “changed” since I’ve gotten older and done my “homework“… Remember this is “MY” world and RULE #1 is “MY OPINIONS are Subject to Change”.

Here are the reasons I Watch Football:

#1) It is “Entertainment”, much the way someone would watch a “movie”. In “MY” world, there are “Good Guys” and “Bad Guys”. So goes the “Real World”, so goes my “Sports World”. Though, being a fan of the “Dallas Cowboys” (which I am) the differences between those opposing sides can sometimes be a little blurred. But for better or worse, I watch the “game”, like I would a movie or TV show.

#2) The outcome is never certain. (Unless, you’re a Raiders Fan) This adds to the appeal of the game. (except in Oakland…sorry) It is never the same, from one game to another.

#3) There are “Bathroom Breaks” (Note: This really only applies to watching the games on television. I tend to steer clear of “public sporting events” in California – because I don’t like any California-based teams, I dislike people -especially, when they are being ‘loud’, I enjoy not being killed and I really like my couch)

#4) It is “ME” time… This is important in a house filled with people that “can’t stand” sports… I know that the second the game comes on, I can excuse myself to the designated “Room No One Will Go Into For 3 and a Half Hours” and just… “BE”.

#5) When things aren’t going my way, I can always just “turn it off” (again, this only applies to watching sporting events from my “couch” – another added benefit of being “antisocial”)

… That last one is “REALLY” important and is something that I’ve had to “train myself”to do over the years. (with the help of a personal trainer and excruciating physical therapy) In years-past, I would be like a lot of “other” sports fans out there, that would get so entrenched in a game, that they would hold on to the “bitter end” when “their team” was so obviously being “destroyed” by the opponent, that the hot dog vendors at the stadiums can be seen giving the camera guys a ride home. The footage being filmed by the color commentator, while the other announcer spins yarns about what it was like in the league when “he” played. I would even go so far as to start turning the team jersey I was wearing (yeah, I wore the jersey) inside-out, turn my hat inside-out, change into the underwear I was wearing the last time my team won (provided I was wearing any – hey, it was football season!… you think laundry was high on my list of priorities?) ; whatever it took in the realm of “Superstitious Necessity” that wasn’t “too weird”, to try and help my team “pull it out”. (By the way, none of that stuff works and the minute it ever “DID”?… Well, let’s just say, I’d probably be in a sports bar somewhere in UTAH, selling my “MAGIC” to tourists)

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…But alas, the “GRIP” that Football once had on me has lessened… Years of being a husband and dad have shifted my priorities…

(I spend the bulk of my time HERE now)

Football has become a game of “Overpaid Cry-babies, Thugs, Cheats and Criminals”… Sounds like a pretty good “movie”, huh? The athletes I actually looked up to and admired as a kid, have been replaced by a group of “Personalities”. None of which, stand out to me as “appealing” on any level… Unfortunately, even some of the ones I looked up to while growing up ended up “flaking out” on me… Maybe their parents should have encouraged them to do the “job” thing.