Hey Guys. . . I’ve been busy over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been trying to get the New Site up and running. However, I wanted to take this opportunity to share a “rough” of the first few chapters of the Children’s Book (and Hopefully FILM) I have been working on, of late. . . I understand that this is a departure from what most of you have grown accustomed to with my usually “Snarky Bits”. . . But, I just wanted to get it out there. . . To be HONEST, I have been getting jerked around by a “Publishing Company” (I SO needed an agent) for the last couple months and thought rather than GIVE them my idea, I figured, I’d share it with you. Feel free to share any comments or critiques. . . If this ends up meaning I don’t get the idea published – at least someone saw it. . . Let me know if you think I need to keep going with this thing (at the very least – take the unscientific poll in the right sidebar – the results aren’t going to make much of a difference, but it will be “fun”). . . I will be back after Mother’s Day with a Brand New and relatively amusing “Bit”. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!. . .

Peace Out – Later

D A N

The Fly-By Knights – Story and Illustrations by Dan L Freeburg

THE “GIST” OF IT. . .

“The Fly-By Knights” There’s a small orange orchard nestled in a far-off corner of Northwest Florida. The farm is inhabited by a rag-tag motley collection of birds. These classic-underachievers all aspire to bigger and better things. They are sub-contracted by a parcel delivery service, headed by a stern and underhanded Eagle,named “Sal”, and his 2 “Crow-nies” (crows – “Ace and Deuce”). Our beleaguered bunch use the orchard’s converted crop duster (at night) to make deliveries. Short local runs around the Southeast. Sal decides to “downsize” and pulls their contract, calling them a “fly-by night” operation and leaving them jobless. Because of the competition from bigger companies all seems lost for our friends. Delivery comes to a halt and their base of operations (the orchard’s hangar) is stripped (by Sal and the crows) of all packages, SAVE ONE. Left behind, among the old orange crates, is found a package marked “TOP SECRET”. Its address. . .the White House. Thinking this their last chance to save their business, our crew decides to make the special delivery themselves. They must fly their broken down plane,against the odds. A rough Everglades, an impending Hurricane, a meddling former-boss Sal, who puts them in further peril when he notifies the military and the President of an “unauthorized” plane heading for Washington. Not wanting to look like he dropped the ball, by non-delivery, Sal makes it look like the crop duster has less than good intentions. The military scrambles to send fighters to intercept the plane. The nation is put on “lock down”. Unbeknownst to anyone involved up until now, there are other problems beginning to take shape. In the waters off the east coast of the United States. A small submarine controlled by a Rogue Evil Commander (Abidab Ahdoo) and his crew have been sitting and waiting with plans of his own for our nation’s capitol. He’s also been watching the drama of our heroes playing out via the internet. Thinking this the “perfect” diversion, the Evil Commander decides it would also be his best opportunity to carry out a diabolical attack. The nation watches as our heroes unwittingly become news on every major syndicate. The nation watching spellbound. Because of faulty communication equipment aboard the old, small plane, the pilots mistakes the fighters jettisoned to stop them, as a convoy meant to escort them personally. Just then, the Evil Commander decides to seize this opportunity to begin an attack. . .”Feathers Fly”. Outsmarting everyone,”accidentally” thwarting the Rogue Commander’s plans and with some nifty flying-the Knights make the delivery. The Commander and his crew are captured. Sal is exposed and fired, the country is safe and the President receives the package. . . postmarked for last Christmas.(It’s July). He opens it to find his Grandmother’s Homemade Fruitcake. Oh yeah, so impressed by their bravery, grit and determination, the President names the Knights the new “Ministers of Defense”. . .

“So does that make us a Chicken Coop?” blurted Jillian, (Of Rusty, Jillian and Bill fame) and immediately upon asking, began to take her seat next to the rest.
“Woah there! Jillian,” said the president, “Don’t sit down so quickly. You were just getting interesting. What did you mean by that?”
She reluctantly rose from her seat next to her bested colleagues, “Sir, I just meant that because of the recent reductions in defense spending and declining numbers of those enlisting in the Armed Forces. . . Well sir, some think we don’t CARE anymore. That maybe we have forgotten what it is we are scared OF. I just ask – if the threat is still REAL. . . then who’s out there protecting us?”

Chapter 3 – The Chicken Coop

The bright early morning sunrise rose to greet the crystal blue summer sky. A few white wispy clouds drifting lazily on the horizon. The sounds of crickets chirping in unison, then fading, then chirping again. It was warm, but not too warm. A light breeze blew through the trees of a small orange grove. Beside the grove stood an old barn, at least it looked like a barn – save the large over-sized air sock perched atop its facade. Painted in large, red letters above the door was a sign. It read: “Lendell Fester Farms”. Below it, in much smaller letters was an addition in a different shade of red and not quite as neatly scribed, that said: ” . . . & Knight’s Airborne Delivery Service. A low hum, echoed in the background then began to grow louder. . . and closer. . . An old dilapidated water tower barely stood next to the barn now turned “hangar”. On the narrow walkway someone stood, looking to the horizon with a pair of binoculars. Trying to spot where the noise was coming from. Suddenly she caught the plane in her sights. Then she noticed something, no “someone” hanging from the bottom. “THUMP. . . thu. . . thu. . . THUMP!” Two Big Orange Webbed-feet struck the tops of the orange trees, dangling just inches from the treetops.

“Dag Nab it!” THUMP. . . thu. . .thu. . . THUMP! “OUCH!” A small biplane skimmed the tops of the trees over the orchard, carrying underneath its landing gear, a reluctant passenger. An ANGRY, reluctant passenger who desperately wanted to be anywhere else at that precise moment in time. “Put it DOWN!” cried the terrified (for a platypus) platypus hanging from the plane’s underside. “Larry! Put it down NOW!” The pilot of the aircraft, a unphased (for a pigeon) pigeon, seemed oblivious to his passenger’s plight, unaware of his friend’s screams. . . or perhaps unsympathetic to his dilemma. “These instruments are all wrong,” the pilot said to himself, in an accent reminiscent of an English stage actor (a BAD one), “If I weren’t so humble, I might find another flying organization to align myself with. One more deserving of my expertise”.

“No, need to get snippy Gail,” he said to the girl on the water tower, “I can handle this one. I just zigged, when I should have zagged. No problems here.”

“Not YOU,” yelled Larry, “I wouldn’t put YOU down, dear boy!”

Below them, the “ground crew” prepared for an Emergency Landing. Gail, a golden and “well-kept” (for a chicken) chicken, had now joined the rest of the group from her “Bird’s Eye” view at the “Control Tower” – a beaten up water tower, near the hangar. Karl, a hungry (for a buzzard) buzzard and Dwight, a plucky (for a duck) duck also stood below, looking around for anything that might help their buddies get out of this mess.

Karl, slowly began to creep away from Gail towards the hangar. “Where do you think YOU’RE going Karl?” Trying to hide a knife and fork he was holding behind his back, he coyly looked at her, “You know they’re my friends, right?”

From inside the hangar, a clanging noise sounded. Like someone was knocking together pots and pans. Karl, hearing this started towards the sound with curiosity and more than his fair share of hunger pangs. “Where are you going NOW?”, Gail called after him. “I’m just wonderin’ who’s rustlin’ up some grub!”, he replied, as he headed towards the noise. Through with his nonsense, Gail directed her attention towards her friends in the sky. “Are you ready!”, she hollered over to Dwight, who was finishing moving the hay into place. “Almost!” he yelled, “Tell Larry to go ahead and buzz the hangar! But NOT to hit it! When he gets to it, tell Shredder to JUMP!” Gail looked at Dwight incredulously, “Are you SERIOUS?!”, she asked. “Just tell Shredder to aim for the haystack!” Dwight had seen Karl running into the barn and wondered what “else” was going on. The banging and clanging stopped, a pig suddenly squealed and ran from the barn, looking back over its shoulder in anger. Bouncing out from the hangar’s large door (not so much bouncing, as bumbling and stumbling) nearly knocking over Karl, came a bright pink (for a flamingo) flamingo carrying a LARGE bucket filled with water. He loped clumsily towards Dwight spilling most of the water along the way and yelling, “I got an idea boss!”

They turned towards him, looked at each other. Dwight rolled his eyes and spoke, “Larry. . . give it a rest.”

“YOUR flight plan?”, Dwight yelped, “That’s rich! It’s MY turn in the rotation Larry. . .MY night to fly. . . and you don’t even HAVE ears”

“Mission?”, Dwight scoffed, “We’re a<
i> Delivery Service Larry! …And your ‘short run’ practically took all night! You got lost… again!”
“Lost?”, challenged Larry, “I assure you, I followed the flight plan I was given by your girlfriend, to a tee!”

“Speak of the temptress,” cooed Larry, “I was just informing these boys that the flight plan you furnished me with last evening was impeccably conceived.”

Dwight looked at Larry, “It’s MY night,” he whispered.

(To Be Continued?. . .)

“I’m the BEST KEPT SECRET on the WEB! But I’ve been tellin’ EVERYBODY”

iv>

LOLBlips – The Fly By Knights – Story and Illust… //

The Best Links

…I think there’s a pretty solid reason why I haven’t gotten as far in life as I’d hoped, at this stage in ‘the game’. I’m becoming even more aware of the reason with each passing day. Every job opportunity that has passed me by. Every promotion that I’ve seen given to someone else less qualified and definitely with a lesser “grasp” of what it takes to do the job better than it was done previously, by whatever schlub had it before this newest “Schlub-On-The-Rise” ascended to the rank of “Schlub Supreme”. I’m not a “Yes Man”.

yes man funny scenesyes man scenes like the bar fight, jumper song and tape face Watch hilarious subscribe comment!

via YouTube

…I know, that’s pretty hard to believe given my current social status,wealth and with all of the proprietary business acumen that I have acquired in my years of “Doing Whatever it is that I DO“. Truth be told, I’m not the kind of person that easily waffles or conforms to whatever is decided by a ’5 Star Panel of my Peers’, in the workplace to be our “Mission Statement”. In fact, I have a “Mission Statement” of my own, that I’ve taken with me to every career I’ve had in my adult life. (There have been many) Try as I might, I have yet to have ONE of my places of employment adopt my policy for their own. Leading me to believe that “WE” might just be on to something.

My Mission Statement is fairly simple and easy to remember. I’ve tried, many times, to present this“groundbreaking and revolutionary” first step towards a business model that would simplify the working world, increase productivity, drive sales (everything is sales-trust me), bolster profits, boost morale and generally get this country off the snide in it’s struggle to become a “Power” on the world stage once again. In my futile attempts to share this little “nugget” of information, I have been vilified, scoffed at, condescended to, belittled, ridiculed, berated and otherwise turned away as “a troublemaker”.

via YouTube by TheInstantUpdate

…That is all before I can ask where the ‘meeting’ is being held. When I ask if I can bring an easel and a PowerPoint presentation, you can usually be rest-assured that the memo sent to me, including the time and date of the meeting, was somehow lost in transit . “Why?” Do these people not know that I am merely trying to provide a service to the organization that I have most recently aligned myself with, in hopes that we can all do a better job and get an actual “Sense of Satisfaction for a Job Well Done” , at the end of each work week? I’m at a loss.

Let me state for the record right now, that if for some reason the job I am currently with turns out to be the one I am working at when I am 79 years old, (Meaning, the one before the one when I become a WALMART greeter or a McDonald’s Coffee Topper-Offer), there are going to have to be a ‘few’ changes. It becomes increasingly difficult day after day, doing the same old-same old, with no end in sight, when I can’t seem to catch a break from the day without being able to “laugh”. Let me illustrate my point (bearing in mind that I have no Overhead Projector, Easel or Prerecorded Audio-Visual Presentation to accompany this and am relying on you, the reader, to try to get where I’m going with this – Thanks, the Management) Here’s a ‘for instance’: I was working last week. Minding my own business. Not making eye-contact with anyone, so as to avoid that whole, “I give a crap about you and what goes on in your pathetic life” VIBE to any fellow coworkers. I was turning in my time sheet, just trying to get the heck out of the office without being detected. I just wanted to go home and start a weekend free from the ‘Worries of Work’. I was headed towards the door, when what happened?. . . No, I’m asking, I’ve tried to block it out of my memory and that’s a little ‘mental preservation’ game I play to try and block out uncomfortable experiences. Well since, you weren’t there and since it’s only been a few days, I’ll tell you. My ‘Immediate Supervisor’ (meaning the person that jumps all over my ass ‘immediately’, if I do something wrong) cornered me. Actually, I believe she took an ‘angle’ to head me off at the exit when she saw that I had every intention of putting that god-forsaken hellhole out of my mind for “just a couple days”. She put herself between me and my escape (in tow, a squirrely little woman, whose name escapes me right now- Vivian? Lilian? Martha?) No matter, she had me boxed in and the only way to get around her was through her or to listen to what she had to say. “Hi Dan!” I internally winced. I did so internally, because when I wince outwardly, it can be devastating for all those involved. “Hi,” I managed. “Long Weekend Planned?”

via YouTube by mandurahomebiz

…She bellowed. “Not long enough,” I said. At this point I was trying to decide if “through her” might be a REAL option. I also started to think, “Long Weekend Planned? What does that even mean? Am I being fired? Aren’t all weekends typically 2 days (3 with a Holiday)?” I also felt myself beginning to ‘outwardly’ wince and hoped that the end of this nonsense would be coming soon. Luckily, it did. “I’d like you to meet your Newest Supervisor Gwen (that’s it) or have you to met?”Now the next words were those of my Newest Supervisor and I really shouldn’t be held responsible for my response given the circumstances. “I Don’t Believe I’ve Had The Pleasure,” said Gwen, sheepish grin – extending her ‘dead fish’ hand for a cursory, emotionless and clammy greeting.

via YouTube by mseifullah

…What do you think my response was? I wanted out of there pretty badly. I wanted to get home and be with my wife and kids and put my work week to bed. This little person whom I’d never met before had been introduced as my Newest Supervisor (meaning the one who makes SURE my ass is jumped all over ‘immediately’, if I do something wrong) and she greets me with, “I Don’t Believe I’ve Had The Pleasure”. As most of you know by now, I’m not one to mince words. I may use too many of them. I may abuse them in a way that leaves them unrecognizable. But I tend to speak my mind and at 4:00 Friday afternoon my mind said, “Well, If You Haven’t, I Wouldn’t Go Around Advertising IT, or it’ll NEVER happen for ya’ “. Immediately upon these words leaving my mouth, the earth began to slow in its rotation. I became very warm. And I can swear that the break room, meant to have a capacity of 250 people, had now just shrunk and I knew if I didn’t get out the door, all 3 of us were going to be trapped in there. Her dead-fish hand recoiled into its stubby little alien arm. She turned about 15 shades of red, which with her pasty skin and auburn hair, really wasn’t the best color for her. At that PRECISE moment my ‘Immediate Supervisor‘ made an immediate decision. One that I am actually considering places her in the ranks of a supervisor worth ‘a toss’. “Oh, that Dan,” she said, “He’s such a cut-up!” They turned around, Gwen looking over her shoulder as if to say, “I’ll have my eye on You, Troublemaker”. What’s New Toots? What’s New?

via YouTube by wowinspiring

. . . So in closing, were I have ever been “invited” to give a presentation to any of the various organizations that I’ve been affiliated with over the course of my illustrious and eclectic career path, it would be relatively short and sweet. “Stop Being So Damned Serious People!” I really don’t have time to be kissing anyone’s butt. I’ve got a wife and kids at home. I have bills to pay. I’ve got to bury as much “Real Life Crap” in the “Landfill of Disappointments in My Life” , without adding “Work” to my problems. I don’t “Want” to take work home with me. I want to leave it in my ‘inbox’ and not even think about it until I remember it was due two days ago. And if I do? Forget I mean. . . Then you shouldn’t have given it to me to do in the first place. There are loads of people out there who will be more than happy to kiss your butt. I’m going to have to apologize ahead of time, for saying, I’m NOT going to be one of them. I want to Live Life and if that means I’m going to be making a little less, but maintaining a sense of Dignity, then I think I can “cut-back” a little on things like Food and Electricity .

As far as “My Mission Statement”? I told you it was easy:

“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m going to take a stand. I’m going to defend it. Right or wrong, I’m going to defend it.” ~ Cameron - “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”

via YouTube by Kassius11

D A N

 “I’m the BEST KEPT SECRET on the WEB! But I’ve been tellin’ EVERYBODY”

in a reader 

  

Blog Directory

• via YouTube by uthayand

  Also brilliant and elusive, these are definitely the“Ones to Watch” in our Nation’s future. They are a technically(oh yes, we will have something called technology) savvy group of “little” people. They will try to impress us with newer and cheaper products than those we will soon be manufacturing in our country.DO NOT FALL FOR IT. They are merely “getting even” for something we will surely do as a retaliatory act for something they will undoubtedly do to us , that in a matter of 60 years of the occurrence of both, will be little more than a “day-glow brick” of a memory. Because they are also a physically “smallish” group of men and women, they also appear rather docile. Again, do NOT be fooled. Their women are in charge of the country, much like ours. While introducing our nation to what we consider newer andcheaper (notice we don’t say Better) products, they will also be shrinking them in size. We have concluded that this will be toensure that their race has a “leg-up” on us, because everything will be miniaturized so that it is “their size”. It will also almost guarantee that we will misplace the product and have to purchase another one from them. They will ALL also be very good at KARATE .

  • Italian people –

via YouTube by 1225tonyB

These, as we are all already aware, are band of thugs and hooligans. They are ALL part of the Mob . Anyone with a name ending in -anno, -ani, -ello, -elli, -asso, etc. should NOT be trusted. We ask that the only future dealings with this ethnicity involve Food and Clothing. We have it under good authority that Spaghetti will remain an affordable meal and that they will more than likely allow us to claim Pizza as an American invention. They are also a dim-witted group of individuals and as such, are difficult to understand when conversing. When approached by one in the “wild” it is recommended, for your own protection, to make NO SUDDEN HAND GESTURES . They have a “secret” hand language, all their own, that is most definitely linked to their attempts at World Domination. You may find it useful to say, “Bada Bing” , and try to get“around” them. This may prove difficult, as they tend to travel in herds. Whatever you do, say NOTHING to them about Mothers. Theirs, yours or anyone’s.

. . . This Just In. . . I FOUND the rest of the “manuscript”. Go ahead. . . take a look. . .

via Listal

or have a listen:

As far as the Studio Heads and Entertainment Moguls making a buck or two, by casting all of “US” (EVERY RACE) in the same stereotyped roles for what seems to have been going on for an eternity? I’ve got a few words about RACISM. . . ”KNOCK IT OFF!” Writers? Let’s try to be “Creative” in what we’re submitting, shall we? Producers and Directors? Stop drudging up the same convoluted and retread stories of yesteryear. Studios and Studio Executives? . . . Can I have a JOB? (probably not after THIS) I know for a FACT that there are a lot of young (and not so young) writers out there chomping at the bit, that have a “Treasure of New And Exciting Ideas” to share with the world, without depending on the same old cliche “Racially-Enhanced” sight gags or “Ethnically-Charged” undertones. I understand that we are a collection of a lot of different types of people in this Great Nation of ours. I know that sometimes you have to cater to your demographic. I also understand that we are “better than that”. . . I hope we are. . . Or maybe by making that statement, I am placing too much faith on an industry that follows the “Stars”, instead of ‘making some’ out of those of us a little more“grounded”.

via Babble

Qui sumo contemno, semino odi um. Tamen nemo est excellens ut Deus. Vos mos reperio posterus in pectus pectoris of vestri liberi.

The reason I felt the need to “purge” myself of some of these feelings is because I am about to “hunker down” and really throw myself into my “Children’s Book and/or Full Length Animated Feature Film” writing. There is a distinct possiblity that by doing this little “pet project”, I may appear, to some, to be a little bit “crass”. Those in the “industry” that I hope to be working with, one day soon, may (at some, imaginary point) READ something that I have written during the course of this “pet project” and thereby (unfairly and without justification) deem me “DIFFICULT TO WORK WITH”
I want to be like STEVEN HILLENBERG (Creator of SpongeBob) or STEPHEN SPIELBERG (Creator of a LOT of Money) But I CAN’T fail. . . I WON’T. . . To me, it is just inconceivable that I was BORN with this “talent”, so that I could DRIVE A SCHOOL BUS . (keep in mind, I won’t much longer if the “higher ups” read this and think I don’t consider my job, the TOPS) There are “plenty” of people out there that would be “eager” to have my job (scratch that - “A” job) Unfortunately (or fortunately) I am NOT “plenty of people”. . . I fully understand that HOLLYWOOD is filled with talented people that never “made it”. . . I truly feel “sorry” for them and wish them ”all the best”. . . It can be difficult to draw unemployment or fake a disability claim. . . (Good Luck with that) .The POINT is, they aren’t ”ME”. I grew up ”knowing” that I was going to do something “BIG” 
. . . I’ve “worked” my whole life, knowing that it was “temporary”. (Especially,
if my bosses read THIS) When I added a “family” to the mix, it became obvious that I was “working” for a REASON. . . It also crystalized in my mind, that NOW I needed to pursue my “DREAM” with a renewed vigor and zeal. No longer thinking “The Future is MINE” but realizing that NOW, “The Future is ‘OURS’ “. . . NO stupid, not YOU and me. My wife and kids and me. . . sorry, to get your hopes up. But the fact is you will ALL benefit, should my hopes and dreams be brought to fruition. Because, as much as I entertain my family and friend (yes, “friend” in the singular… and in actuality – my wife) I want to provide the WORLD with AS MUCH OF ME AS THEY CAN STOMACH. . . A bold endeavor, for sure, but if there’s anyone out there capable of filling the world with “THEM”. . . it’s “ME”. Sure, there are people out there who don’t “GET ME”. . . Even a couple (I believe they live in Missouri) that don’t even “LIKE ME”. . . but that’s. . . OKAY. Because I’m good enough. . . I’m smart enough. . . and dog-gone it (I really almost went for it there)  

What I REALLY wanted to let EVERYONE know, before I finally get my “BIG BREAK”, is that it couldn’t happen to a “Nicer Guy”. . . I’m sure you will all be pleased with the outcome. I hope to provide you and your families and friends with endless hours of entertainment and joy. I am NOT an “OGRE”. I DON’T “HATE” EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. I am REALLY easy to work with. Just ask anyone I’ve ever worked with. (on second thought, let me know who you’re going to ask and I’ll tell you what they were going to say. No sense in bothering them) THAT’S exactly how considerate I am with my coworkers. . .
You know something? (obviously, you don’t or you wouldn’t continue reading this crap) I REALLY wanted to show you just how much I ”CARE” about people by making a LIST of “Things That I LOVE About People”. I put a LOT of thought into it. However, when I got to #2 on the list, I developed something that I have never before experienced in my LIFE. . . “Writer’s Block”. . . As a matter of fact, it put me into a really “foul mood”. . . I was actually starting to get a little worried. I went nearly TWO WEEKS without being able to come up with “anything” more for my “List”.Then – just yesterday, something happened that “inspired” me. During the course of my “working day“(the part of the day when I go out and actually earn “money” to support my family) I received a “GIFT”. I arrived at a school loading zone (remember, I am a school bus driver – not a predator). It was the second school pick-up and my last of the afternoon. I was sitting there waiting for the school to “release” the students to my custody so that I could deliver them to whoever cares about them. . . (I said I was in a “foul” mood) I sat there in the loading zone, facing the street, watching the people go by. Some driving by. Some waiting in cars to pick up their little “heathens”. (Oh yeah, I was LOVING life) At one point, I noticed a woman “jogging” with her dog on a leash across the street. The neighborhood I was picking the kids up in was in an area filled with “Prime Real Estate” (well, by Bakersfield’s Standards) Though, because of “redistricting” (bussing kids from poor areas to wealthy ones), a LOT of the kids that attend this school live in neighborhoods across the city – neighborhoods that the “Richies” in this one would scarcely think about driving through, let alone “look at”. (like mine)

 (clad in expensive ‘kicks’) and proceeded to do a “face plant” onto the sidewalk. I can only tell you the utter “joy” that consumed me at that precise moment was. . . Indescribable. She arrogantly peeled herself off the the sidewalk and rose to her feet (any ‘normal’ person would have laid on the ground writhing in agony – and indeed, if it HAD been a normal person, I might have felt a twinge of actually “giving a toss” – It was quite a “header”), while her dog looked at her as if to say, “You sure you’re up for this?” After a quick status check of her “podometer” and her requisite “vital sign arm band thingy”, she picked up the dog leash and gave her dog a tug (almost breaking its “well-dog-groomed” neck), her nose fully-engaged in “upward thrust” and was off on her merry little way again. (Apparently, no-less humiliated by the experience) There was even a parent sitting in the car next to the sidewalk she’d just used as a landing pad for her face, who took the time to “NOT LAUGH” and ask if she was okay (or comment on her form – I can’t read lips) She ignored his attention and trudged along. . .

. . . Does that make me a “bad person”?
Taking delight in the misfortune of others? . . . I don’t think so. . . Because those whose misfortune I revel in, tend to be on the “fortunate” side to begin with. So what if I didn’t know this “clumsy RICH jogger”?! I know her “type”
. . . So “I” have come to the realization that I am not EVIL. . . Do “You” still need some convincing? I’d love to help you out, but we’re still talking about “My” dilemma. Witnessing that clutz really isn’t what got my “creative juices” flowing again. . . but it got me thinking. . . Why do I have to be so nice, when the WORLD isn’t nice to ME?. . . Doesn’t really seem like a fair or equitable trade. I mean, I think I remember the “GOLDEN RULE” being of some sort of significance in my upbringing, but what could that POSSIBLY have to do with me at “this” stage of my life? The WORLD has already done its best to “Beat the Tar” out of me. . . Isn’t it only fair that I return the favor?. . . with “interest”? So, I decided that rather than knock myself out trying to come up with a “List of Things I LOVE About People”, I’d work on a “List of Things I TOLERATE About People”. . . This list netted 3 Items(none of which I will share with you at this point) It also “ate up” another entire week of my time(I REALLY tried to put some thought into it). But being the eternal optimist that I am (isn’t it obvious?) I had an “epiphany” (an overused word for an idea or realization – which, by the way, has not happened to ANYONE since the 1940′s)I decided that I would make a “List of Things I CAN’T STAND About People” and call it a day. . . But I couldn’t do that. . . WHY? Because there are WAY too many things for ONE LIST. . .

• The stupid “I Go ~ No, You Go Dance”  - This occurs when you find yourself traveling in one direction, then come across someone traveling from an “opposing” (not opposite) direction, trying to occupy the “same space” that you are at the “same time”. This occurrence is NOT limited to being in a car (at say, a 4 way stop) In fact, it happens to me quite often while walking in “ANY and “ALL PUBLIC PLACES”. (A GREAT example is the MALL – Which, is precisely #1 on my list of “WHY I HATE THE MALL”) You will be strolling along and see someone walking in your direction, with NO CLEAR sign that in a matter of seconds you will be staring awkwardly at each other’s feet, paralyzed like an idiot, because neither of you had “any idea” WHERE the other was walking; and NOW you’re at standstill until “someone” r
  elents and says, “You First”. I personally REFUSE to engage in this idiotic “dance”. If I am in my car, I ALWAYS have the right of way. I will “look off” the other driver or consequently rip their bumper off with the grill of my car to let them know, “Oh, but I insist”. If I am “on foot”, all I really need to do is throw a “hip check” or “push them to the ground”. . . I hate to “dance”.
• the ridiculous “Endless Goodbye”  - Tends to happen in “Overly-Occupied” locations. Say you are at an amusement park with your family. (If you were with mine, it would be weird) You are “Mindin’ Your Own”, buying your kids some over-priced Amusement Park-style Crap, when you feel a ‘tap’ on your shoulder. You turn to “take a swing”, until you realize that “right here“, a good “150 MILES AWAY” from your “place of business” stands a fellow “Co-worker” of yours. With his/her family in tow – all dressed much “nicer” than you and your family. After exchanging cursory pleasantries, you introduce them to your family, talk about meaningless ‘work-related nonsense’ – while your spouses “size each other up” – then stand and stare at the ground, trying to think of a way to get away from someone you “Hate at the office” – LET ALONE in a “Social Situation”. Finally, luckily, one of your kids harpoons one of your other kids in the eye with a “Silly Straw” or pees their pants. . . thus giving you “the opening” you need to get the hell away from this person. . . You say, “Goodbye, Nice Meeting You, We’ll Have to Get Together Sometime, See You at the Office. . . okay then. . . goodbye” (etc.) . . . So that’s it. . . Right?. . . NEVER!. . . Seeing how you “ran into” this person 5 minutes after the gate opened, you end up running into them 37 (possibly 82) more times, before you leave the park that day. . . “Hey, Guys! Great Park, huh? We’ll Have to Stop Meeting Like This! You Again?. . Ha! Ha! Oh Crap, Here They Come! Go This Way!” (etc.) When you have the misfortune of seeing the person at work, the following week, you have to “compare notes”, tell them how “great” it was to see them for a WEEK before you can go back to secretly “loathing” them.
• the annoying “Take a Frickin’ Picture!” 

  

  via YouTube

Another “event” that can take place while you are in a vehicle or simply having a conversation with someone “Face-to-Face”. I haven’t decided which one irritates me MORE, but they both have a place in my “What is WRONG With You?” file. (which is apparently starting RIGHT NOW) I call it an “event” because the perpetrators of this particular activity seem to enjoy the practice of “Gawking” (Like they purchased tickets for “Looking at YOU” and they are “non-refundable”). It can even be subtle sometimes. . . Have you ever had a conversation with someone, that for whatever reason, becomes “fixated” on something other than “What You are Saying”? (Ladies, I don’t necessarily mean what you think) I am talking more about something obscure. . . Something, that you-yourself are unable to identify. Like. . . “your hair” or “your teeth”. They MAY even get “bizarre” with it and decide that they want to survey “your wardrobe” during the course of a “discussion”; NEVER seeming to take any interest in what you are saying. They seem like they are “taking in the BIGGER picture”. Usually after talking to someone like this, I run to the nearest available restroom to do a “nostril/teeth/fly” check. When I find that I wasn’t talking to them with a “side of beef”  wedged in my teeth, a booger hangin’ out of my nose or any “dangling participles”, I am usually even MORE bewildered. (and often, disappointed) WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”, I’ll question myself. . . when, in all likelihood, the better question posed would be, “What was wrong with THEM?” – The other time that I notice this practice (though, they seem to have “perfected” it , with little-to-no “practice”) is when I am driving. Actually, when I am in my car, the first in line – “sitting” in a left-turn pocket at a STOP LIGHT. Since, I am waiting on my left turn signal to change (by LAW, I am not allowed the “right of way” – stupid rule) I have time to fidget with my radio, look up my nose in the rear-view mirror or anything else that suits my mood at the time. HOWEVER, I have noticed that when cars turning onto the street that I am waiting on pass in front of me, The driver of the vehicles (and sometimes the passengers) STARE at me as they turn. . . I KNOW that I am not the only one to have experienced this phenomenon. I am unsure sometimes if we have “met” at another intersection at some point or if they feel “slighted” because of my “devilish” good looks. . . whatever the reason, it drives me NUTS. Perhaps, they think that I am unexplicably going to stomp on the gas pedal, thus “screwing up their day” by killing them in a freak “Oops, I Didn’t See You There” accident. . . Believe me. . . I “see” you there. . . I just don’t make a “BIG DEAL” about it. . .

. . . SO? . . . SO. . . You can imagine my surprise (well TRY, for the sake of  ‘understanding my ramblings’) I was genuinely mortified when I thought I’d lost my “Creative MOJO”. In all my years of doing “artsy-fartsy” stuff, I had never experienced being a “Creative Cripple”. (I am sorry – become “Creatively Challenged”)

. . . I’d say that my “ring fingers” are already taken. I’m married, so that is my left ring finger (I have the right one on reserve, unless I lose the other one in an industrial accident) I typically use my “index fingers” for pointing out things that are WRONG with people, picking my nose and (of course) for “indexing” things. I have kids, so my “little fingers” are usually pretty well booked with “pinky swears”. I guess, I could use my “thumbs” to give everyone a good old “Thumbs Up” (or down – probably “down”) But instead, I think I will hold onto them for when I need to occasionally “Thumb my Nose” at the occasional Societal Idiocracy, Ideology and Imperfection. . . In addition, it is also “widely recognized” that “thumbs” are not considered “fingers”.(and yes, I have begun researching who decided that, so I can “thumb my nose” at them) . . .Which leaves me with “2 digits”. . . I think you knew where this headed from the “Get Go”. . . Though “those 2 fingers” are reserved for no ONE in particular, they are “At the Ready – All the Time“. . .

Though my “heart” will ALWAYS be with the pursuit of my DREAM to be a “Children’s Book Author and Illustrator”; and even though I will continue to do everything I can to “Take a Crack” at being the “NEXT BIG THING” in “Children’s Television & Film” – I will ALWAYS be “ME”. . . and I will always “Thank God I’m not YOU”. . . I very much DISLIKE the words “Rants” or “Observations” when referring to a “BLOG”. I don’t think that’s what “I” do. . . That is probably why I very rarely refer to “this” as a blog. A “Rant” has always seemed like “Complaining for NO Reason” and an “Observation” has always been something one does when they try to assess whether or not they have sufficiently blown their nose, by examining a kleenex or kerchief or if it’s going to take another swipe of T.P. after the “Thunder Down Under” (a reference to “commencing with the poo”).

D A N  

“I’m the BEST KEPT SECRET on the WEB! But I’ve been tellin’ EVERYBODY”