Wow! What a difference a year makes, huh guys? Last year, at this time, I had already given you the edition of my “Top 10 Scariest and Creepy” weeks before Halloween… This year?… well, I’m writing it… and the lists were “compiled” before Halloween (you’ll have to trust me on that) that counts for something, right? I’ll be honest, when I started writing for this site, some 3 odd years ago (emphasis on “ODD”) I had no designs on continuing to do it for more than a few months. Because I was certain that in a matter of a few, short months I would become a “household name”. (right up there with such names as Maytag, Amana and Kenmore) There was no doubt in my mind that all of YOU would “KNOW” me by now. I was POSITIVE that by merely writing down what I deemed “Entertaining” and “Funny”, you would all in turn, bow down to my will and “MAKE ME A CELEBRITY”… …wow… what a difference a year makes… huh, guys? (I know it’s been 3, but I measure my failure in yearly increments… it makes the disappointment more “tolerable”) That being said and in an effort to not scare my entire readership (at last count, a little over a half a dozen – most of which reside in countries, whose names I can’t even pronounce – because I don’t like trying to) away forever, I’ve decided to again furnish a list of folks in and around the “Entertainment-Related Community” whom I feel are either “undeserving” of our mass adoration OR at the very least… (and at this point, what do I have to lose?) make you nod your “collective head” (sometimes I’m convinced you all share a brain) and say, “Hey, he’s right… I never really thought of it like that… Why have I been showering these CELEBRITIES with the aforementioned adoration, when in reality, the gentleman whose thoughts I am now reading is FAR more worthy of both my RESPECT and ADMIRATION… HE tells it like it IS… After all, isn’t it really the writers… nay, the CREATIVE VISIONARIES behind these CELEBRITIES that actually ‘MAKE’ them who they are? In FACT, I think I am going to do everything I can humanly possible to ensure this fine young(ish) man gets the recognition he deserves… Hey Honey?! Where’s the checkbook? I want to give this guy some cash! … and call your cousin Steven Spielberg, in L.A…. he’s got to meet this dude!” (in “MY” world, my next “contact” is ALWAYS related to Spielberg) …To which I would respond, “Well it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME!… and I also accept ALL Major Credit Cards.” (oh, and thanks) … SO… so… this is my list (compiled well before Halloween, as far as you know) along with my reasons for why these peoples’ CELBRITY, not only “frightens” me, but makes me a little uneasy about where we are as a people… because “YOU” allowed them to become what they are. (I bear NO responsibility for helping make them who they are… I don’t write their material… if I “did”… things would’ve turned out a whole lot better… for everyone involved)
#10 – Oprah Now, some of you may be surprised seeing Ms. Winfrey on my list this year… After all, wasn’t this the year that saw her celebrate a much-touted, critically-acclaimed, star-studded, vomit-inducing finale to her 25th season as host of her nationally syndicated talk show? A career spanning a quarter of a century? Now, there’s something to be said for stamina… There’s also something to be said for longevity. I think stamina and longevity are both NOUNS. (and now, I’ve said it) I think the fact that her show lasted that long is proof positive that Oprah knew how to “deliver”… Unfortunately, I am rarely at home when deliveries are made, to accept the package. It is usually either left with a neighbor or is taken back to the place that holds packages until you are willing to take the time to get in your car, drive all the way down to that place and sign for it. My point?… Well, either my neighbor has what Oprah “delivered” OR I have to go down and “pick it up”… Either way, I don’t think I want it… I’ve never really liked my neighbors anyway and the neighborhood where they house “unwanted packages that require your signature” is a little on the “seedy” side. Besides… I don’t like things that are “much-touted”… “Touted” (as defined by the Merriam Webster Dictionary or a reasonable facsimile thereof) verb:
Attempt to sell (something), typically by pestering people in an aggressive or bold manner.
… and Oprah is ALL ABOUT the “touting”… She was always “touting” something… If it wasn’t her “Book Club Book of the Month” or some weird Psychiatrist’s backwoods brand of Psycho-babble, it was her little “Elfin-Cheftress” or telling you how she “set up” some school for girls, in some 3rd World country, only to discover that her tax write-off for charitable organizations might not cover the cost in attorney fees when she gets her fat-ass sued for allowing her “Educational Staff” to abuse the students. Sure, all of the allegations I am referring to happened a few years back… but like I was saying, “Wow, what a difference a year makes”. (or 4) We tend to “forget” stuff about our CELEBS, don’t we? Oprah likes to put her “name” on EVERYTHING she is involved with. But the second the s*** hits the fan, she sure does know how to “distance” herself, doesn’t she? She didn’t really “OWN” that problem… … Speaking of “temporary amnesia” or “insanity” (whichever makes it more palatable) I guess she’s named “Rosie O’Donnell” as her “successor”. As some of you may know, good Ol’ Rosie O’ has made this list in the past. What makes Oprah think Rosie is a “good fit” to replace her? Oh, I know… nobody will ever be able to “replace” Oprah and we can’t really call Rosie a “successor”… Mainly, because that infers “success”… NEXT!
#9) Donald Trump – Can someone please tell me when we, as a combined group of free-thinking individuals, decided that “The Don” became an “authority”?… of ANYTHING? Was it because of his “show” that we came to the conclusion that he actually “knows” what he’s talking about? I hate to be the bearer of bad news (actually, I revel in it) but, as far as I can tell, Mr. Trump is a “putz”. Oh sure, we may come to a basic agreement that Rosie O’Donnell is not someone that we would like to “hang out” with, but I’m afraid that is where I will be drawing the line differentiating myself from the guy. (I would draw other lines, so that you could tell the differences between Donald and myself, but I don’t think that’s going to be necessary) I am VERY tired of hearing him discuss politics and the current state of the country that I choose to call home and am fortunate enough to have been born in. (No, not Sweden) But it seems like, for almost a year now (though, I didn’t look at the clock when it started so that I can give you a definitive time) I’ve heard this guy talk about how he’d “FIRE” President Obama. How the United States of America is in “his words” – “DEEP, DEEP TROUBLE”… and that if “HE WERE IN CHARGE” the country that, I “LIKE A WHOLE LOT” wouldn’t be the “Laughing Stock of the FREE WORLD”… then he goes on to talk about how he’d run this country like a “business” and “pull it back from the brink”… The “brink” of “WHAT” I would ask? Being TOTALLY KICK ASS and the envy of almost EVERY other country in the WORLD, “SO MUCH” in fact, that ALMOST EVERYBODY HATES US? (except, Sweden) …THEN, Donald decides (after getting all two of his supporters “all riled up”) that he will “probably not” run for president for “reasons” only HE knows. (I think we ALL know the reason… (A) He would lose (B) It would cost him some of “his” money to lose. and (C) If you “screw up” a whole country, there are no “do-overs”) I’m afraid that I wasn’t completely “accurate” in what I said about Donald Trump at the onset of this… He’s not merely a“putz”… he’s a “Delusional putz”. Tell us something Mr. Trump (though, you will undoubtedly NEVER read this) Which business would you run “my” country like? One of the 4 of your companies that went “Belly-Up Bankrupt”? OR one of the “fictional” businesses that you run while you are filming your crappy “TV Show”? Perhaps you’d run it like one of your many failed marriages… Everything isn’t like business Mr. Trump… some relationships require a more delicate balance of “give and take”… Well, “I” am willing to “give” you something… but I don’t think you could “take” it… I’m also not “completely” sure, but I think it’s safe to say that you can’t pass a bill in Congress by issuing a challenge to both the “House” and “Senate” that is sponsored (in part) by our “friends” at “Kodak”… YOU’RE FIRED… NEXT!
#8) Hoda Kotb & Kathie Lee Gifford –
This is a “TWOFER”… Like “two for one” drink specials… Yes, Kathie Lee has made my list before. But, this past year, I have found myself inexplicably “drawn” to the coveted “10 AM time slot” that only two of this nation’s most “public” of “ALCOHOLICS NOT SO ANONYMOUS” can fill. Hoda Kotb (a formerly “taken-seriously” NBC journalist has been teamed up with “The Woman MOST Likely to Force Me to Commit Suicide if I Were Forced to Spend ANY Amount of Time With Her”. I don’t think there is any question, that Hoda plays the “straight man” to Kathie Lee’s “zany and sometimes edgy comedic stylings”. (Please note, when I say “edgy”, I am referring to the edge of the cliff I would hopefully be standing next to, were I placed in that whole “Needing To Make A Quick Exit Scenario” I was talking about a second ago) I don’t understand NBC… Though in terms of “Network Television”, I suppose they could be considered the “Top of the Heap” (a heap of crap) I don’t get why they do things the way that they do them. I think a much better coupling would’ve have been Brian Williams and Al Roker. Brian is “funny”… Al “thinks” he is… the comedic possibilities are endless. I know that Brian already “has” a gig. But if NBC would bring back Katie Couric to do the “news thing”, that would free up Brian to “entertain” us and Al really doesn’t do much the rest of the day anyway. That is “my” solution for filling what NBC obviously considers a “valuable” 7th and final hour of the “Today” show. If that show gets any longer and any more meaningless, it will end up bleeding into and will eventually become the Nightly News anyway. But as far as the “twosome” of Hoda & KLG… I really want to know “WHY” they get paid to do whatever it is they “think” they are doing. It isn’t particularly entertaining. From what I can tell, unless you’re trying to find “the perfect bra” or want to play a trivia game to learn more about the “History of Sweatshops and Celebrities Who Unwittingly Support Them by Product Endorsement” with a chance to win a $100 Visa gift card (for the correct answer) OR a copy of whatever “Regurgitated Audio Horse Flop Kathie Lee not only ENDORSED, But Recorded and Had the Balls to Actually Try To SELL to Real, Live PEOPLE” on CD (for the wrong one)… where was I? Oh, yeah… it doesn’t seem like they really inform OR entertain… They just sit there; day in and day out. For a solid HOUR… they “talk” about nothing in particular and everything at once… and they “DRINK”… NON-STOP. Every segment seems to have a glass of “something” not far out of reach of these two ladies. That is if the segment isn’t actually ABOUT drinking… Which they DO seem to be able to schedule during “WINESDAY WEDNESDAYS” and “THIRSTY THURSDAYS”. In the dictionary, under “LUSH”, it has a picture of these two, lifted from a liquor store surveillance video… You think I’m lying? Watch the show sometime… but don’t say I didn’t warn you… Maybe you have to be drinking “while” you watch it… hmm… If it’s a “College Drinking Game” where every time THEY drink, YOU drink – then, I think there are going to be a LOT of students going to class all sorts of hammered by the “early” afternoons…NEXT!
#7) Johnny Depp Despite his mass appeal and his considerable “acting chop” (I’m not quite willing to say he has “chops”, at his best, I would have given him a “chop and a half” – but not for any of his recent stuff) But Mr. Depp (apparently, his REAL name – though, while investigating the matter, I most certainly wished it to have been something like Horace P. Dwerkelshneed) doesn’t score very “high” on my “believability” list… No, not for his “acting” per se… I mean, I buy him as a drunk sexually ambiguous pirate or a frightened, misunderstood sexually ambiguous dude with scissors where his hands should have been… I thought he did well as a diabolical, sexually ambiguous mass-murdering barber. I even coughed up the $400, not that long ago so that my family could watch an animated feature in which he played a “Flamingly Homosexual” Lizard. But where “I” draw the line (much like the one with “Trump” – easily distinguishable, but hardly necessary) is when I have “heard” and in fact “seen” in several interviews where Mr. Depp says that he, “Likes to be able to make careful decisions about which roles he is willing to take”. … I’m sorry friends (for lack of a “correct” term) but that is where Johnny’s credibility and believability is “completely” lost on me. Is that why he made “The Tourist” or “Dillinger”? Is that why he stars in EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIM BURTON FLICK? He’s pushing 50 folks… He goes HEAVY on the makeup he wears in EVERY film he makes (Dillinger was shot with 4-ply toilet paper over the lenses). 50 is NOT OLD (in terms of roles for MEN in Hollywood – which is a “double -standard” that I need to explore further in a future piece – if I remember – or if I feel like I actually care anymore) But, I honestly think Depp is getting a little “ripe” to be playing the roles he is playing… He’s not Peter Pan… and now, he is reportedly being tapped to play “Tonto” in a big screen “Lone Ranger” movie. (I can’t wait to see how he plays a drunken, sexually ambiguous indian! (sorry… native american) The truth is, he plays “quirky” well… So does Jack Nicholson… but that is ONE note, people! On a piano, that would get a “little” tedious… and I’m afraid that is where I am with Johnny… I hope he finds a role that redeems him in my eyes… Though, at last check, it doesn’t look like “I” am his “target audience” and I think it’s safe to say, he doesn’t care what “I” think… Until then… I really liked him on “Jump Street”… (by the way, NOBODY does “quirky” like Jack, and there is room for only ONE guy to play ONE note ALL THE TIME… and that’s “Jack” – ’til he croaks, anyway). I guess that’s something for Johnny to look forward to. (But a word of warning to Johnny – who still, to the best of my knowledge, will never read these words: Industry insiders have told me personally, that “quirky and creepy” has been formally “sewn up” by Jeff Goldblum until the fall of 2023) No offense to Jack or Jeff… plus, my wife doesn’t think they are the “End All, Be All” (which incidentally, didn’t slant my view of Johnny Depp’s abilities in the slightest… no, really) … NEXT!
#6) Ashton Kutcher
I’m almost glad that I got a late start on this piece this year. Because of some “just in under the wire” high-profile stupidity on the part of this CELEBRITY, I was able to make a last minute substitution for the person I feel “earned” the right to be #6 on this year’s list and typifies EXACTLY why CELEBRITY (in the hands of someone young and stupid, who has NO clue about the “Real World”) can be VERY “Scary” indeed. This spot had originally been reserved for Mr. Simon Cowell… However, since I think Simon will probably be around next year with even MORE reasons for me to question his “staying power”, I thought I’d turn my attention to “The Tweetmaster General”, himself… Ashton “Ah, Shucks…Give Me Some Credit, I’m Just an Iowa Farm Boy – Trying To Do The Right Thing and Be A GOOD Person“ Kutcher. I’m not going to take the “obvious and cheap” pot shots at Ashton… (His wife is obviously WAY too old for him, and it’s just NOW starting to dawn on him, cause she’s getting a little “haggard” – by which, I mean “MERLE HAGGARD”) I mean he’s paid his “due”… I suppose… I mean, as a member of the Screen Actors Guild, I think you’re required to pay dues, right? (at an annual base rate of $116 and then by a percentage of total annual earnings based on any work done under a SAG contract – and now made even “more convenient” to its members, with the option being made available to pay online!) But in terms of sheer real world, practical experience, I’m unsure where this kid is coming from. Upon researching (yes, “I” do that before just “blurting” out some uneducated nonsensical opinion, not based at ALL on anything factual – unlike my fellow, Iowa-native) I came to find that Ashton did have a few of what “some” might consider “hard knocks” growing up. Though, to be honest most of what Ashton “went through” seemed (in my opinion) to be “reactionary” to bad things that were happening to people “around” him. MEANING? He brought a LOT of his early troubles on himself. While “I” in no way profess that I personally “know” Mr. Kutcher or anything about what it is like to “BE” him; I “DO” think that it would be safe to say that I understand the “type” of person that he is. Because when I was “young and stupid”, I made a LOT of the same mistakes… The difference being, I didn’t do them quite as “publicly”… … Let me state, for the record, that I too, am an avid “Iowa Hawkeyes” fan… That being said, I DON’T like Joe Paterno… I don’t even know why Penn State was ever included in the BIG 10. A conference that used to consist of teams that could travel to each others stadiums for games in a matter of hours and not LIGHT YEARS… don’t even get me started on “Super Conferences”. … BUT… and it’s a “HUGE BUT”… I would NEVER let my feelings (positively or negatively)about a SPORTS-related team, coach or event, so overshadow or blur my thinking, that I would make a comment about a topic as serious and life-altering as “sexual abuse” (alleged or otherwise) without knowing what all of the facts were, FIRST!… And even then, I would be hesitant to make any public statement for the following reasons:
- Out of respect for the potential victims and their families
- Because, as a CELEBRITY, you should “entertain”. You can’t ALWAYS make a “difference” in someone’s life. No matter “HOW” important you think you are… and when your uneducated “opinion” may actually cause more “harm”, than “good” or even inflame an issue?… I think you’re better off keeping your mouth shut…………….oh, and ….
- It’s NONE of your DAMNED BUSINESS!!!!
#5) Zach Galifianakis
On a lighter note (but not in terms of “weight” – because he’s a “fat ass”) Can someone please explain to me the popularity of “this guy”? Okay, can anyone except Ashton Kutcher? I don’t really “get” it… I understand that he has been in a couple of what Hollywood Insiders like to call, “Breakout Films”, such as “The Hangover” and… well, the second Hangover, but really what else has this guy done? I looked up his IMDb and noticed that he has been in a few movies I’ve seen with my seven-year old daughter and THAT frightens me. That’s one thing about the resurgence of “Animated Films” in Hollywood nowadays. You can think your innocently watching the latest Pixar, Dreamworks or Disney offering for Families and they throw you a curveball. You can watch the whole thing with your kids… even ENJOYING most of it. But there is something “gnawing” at the back of your brain the whole time that you are watching the film. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you just “know” there is something a little “off” about this particular cinematic experience. …About halfway through the film you may even find yourself nudging your wife and asking,
“Who is doing that character’s voice?… It sounds so familiar..” Whereupon she will turn to you and reply, ” You always think you know EVERYTHING about these movies… Can you just Shut the Hell Up for once, so we can enjoy the damn movie?” (Well, “Hypothetically”, I imagine it might go down like that for some folks) … But still, it eats at you, as you watch the movie – trying to put a “face” with the “voice”. You resolve yourself to find out who the “voice actor” for the part is, when the show is over, during the credits. … As you watch for the name of the actor to show up… you are ABSOLUTELY “POSITIVE” that the actor involved in “breathing life” into the cartoon animal, vegetable or mineral that you have enjoyed watching for the past hour and a half with your ENTIRE FAMILY, providing you with tear-jerking, heart-warming and goose-bumpling memories to share with your children for an entire lifetime – is an actor that you have grown accustomed to watching in LIVE-ACTION fare as well… … and then there it is… “Joey ‘The Raccoon Boy with No Legs’ played by . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ron Jeremy” Your wife shoots you a “gaze” and crosses her arms. “But, honey… THAT isn’t who I thought it was AT ALL… I SWEAR!”
… Never mind the fact that the story itself might have been quality family entertainment. Never mind the fact that your wife recognizes the name Ron Jeremy (and probably recognizes something or someone he’s been ‘in’)… The fact of the matter is you were “duped”…
… THAT is how I “feel” about watching anything with Zach Galifianakis in it… All except for the part where anything he is involved in, as a rule, is anything but “suitable” to be watching with my kids. (except for “G-Force”, which I hear was also done in adult version – in which Zach’s part was played by: Ron Jeremy) I know it’s probably not fair to say, having never met the man, but I basically find Zach disgusting as a comedian. I am not shallow enough to turn someone away merely for their “appearance”… But his “appearances” have never really helped him much in my eyes either. After everything I’ve ever seen him in, I feel an overwhelming need to “take a shower”… He just seems really “unkept” to me. Like when Joaquin Phoenix lost his mind a while back… Except for the fact that ,THAT was sort of amusing. I’ve even tried to give his latest “efforts to entertain” a shot, by watching him on the HBO Original Series, “Bored To Death”… but all I can say about that show is it is “Aptly Titled” (because that is the effect the show has on me) … AND, “What Ever Happened To Dream On“? Too many jokes revolve around his “beard” and his “pear-shapedness”… and Ted Danson getting “high” (though, the thought of Sam Malone suffering a relapse DOES make me “smirk”) Sorry Zach… I find you neither funny OR “aesthetically appealing”… NEXT!
#4) Arnold Schwarzenegger
Being a resident of the State of California for right around a decade now, I can’t say that the fact that Arnie was my governor was really anything but the “norm” out here. Fact is, as a midwest-native, I had my share of “Entertainers as Politicians” prior to coming to “The Golden State”. As a young teen, one of my congressmen was Fred Grandy (best known for his role as “Gopher” on “The Love Boat”). In more recent years, and prior to my move to “Cali”, my governor had been Jessie “The Body” Ventura in Minnesota. Of course, Ronald Reagan had already been a much-loved (because he was “goofy”) President of the United States. … So how did these guys differ from “The Governator”? Well, as far as I know, they all remained faithful to their wives, for starters… In a day and age when it seems like becoming a politician really only serves as a good way to “Meet Chicks”, Arnold decided to go “one better”… Though Clinton messed around with an intern, it was Schwarzenegger who actually shtupped the “help”. Better yet (in terms of mere Schlockidarity) he sired a child with her. But “I” think probably the most ironic twist to this already bizarre story line was that the “housekeeper” was (how do I put this delicately?) Old and NASTY… Now, I am under no illusions about the physical condition of Arnold. At age 87 (just a hunch) he is starting to succumb to the signs of old age; not to mention, his long and publicly-recognized use of steroids, horse tranquilizers, barbiturates, marijuana, “roofies”, oxycodone, propofol and the occasional “Fuzzy Navel”. (also a condition known to afflict former body builders and “shavers of their body hair” if left “unkept” for a period of time – >>>please see above: Zach Galifianakis for more details) And I understand that this “housekeeper” with whom he “bumped f’uglies” (emphasis on F’UGLY) did so over 10 years ago. That would make her around 40 at that time, but by NO means any more attractive. The truth is (and I KNOW you’ve just been chomping at the bit for the “TRUTH”) As a society, we are being FAR too tolerant of “infidelity” in this country. In OTHER countries, if you cheat on your spouse, they can start lopping off body parts (usually the ones “used” in the infidelity) But it’s not just that. It’s that we almost “EXPECT” it of our CELEBRITIES. Politicians are now apparently held to an even “lower” standard. What does that say about “US”? We don’t even use the right words to describe “CHEATING”… We used phrases like, “He has confessed to previous ‘indiscretions’…” WHAT?!?!?! An indiscretion, to “me”, sounds more like something you leave at a diner after you finish your cup of coffee and a slice of pie.
“Hey Walt, I think I better get back to the office… thanks for the coffee and pie…” “No problem, Jerry… I’ll catch up with ya’ later… I’ve got to see if the waitress can break this twenty so I can leave her a nice indiscretion… How much should I leave her, ya’ think?” “That’s up to you, I think, Walt… that’s why they call it ‘in discretion’…“ “Oh yeah… thanks Jerry… by the way, did you see that waitress’s butt?… nice.”
… My POINT is (I don’t really know what it is anymore) we are FAR too tolerant of our Political Leader and CELEBRITY-Type ICONS’ “indiscretions”… Isn’t it obvious to you, that what is “normal” to “them” SHOULDN’T be “normal” to “US”?… The same “RULES” don’t apply… Mainly, because “they” don’t seem to live by any. My final thought on Arnie’s recent “indiscretion” (at least this one – being the only one we really know about) is that don’t you think it’s a little “strange” that none of the Kennedy/Shriver clan came out to talk about the situation. Neither to condemn or support anybody? Now, I understand that there is probably only like 2 Kennedy’s still alive (and I think one of them is in prison). But I thought “someone” would come out to say “something”… Maybe the Kennedys were just glad to be “rid” of him… But amidst the whole sordid mess only “Maria” talked… at least I “think” it was Maria… she really started to look just like Arnold… and we know “HE” talked (I think that was talking)… Hey… has anyone ever really seen them in the same room, at the same “time”these last few years?… hmm.
#3) Dr. Drew Pinsky
What exactly is this guy’s “track record” with CELEBRITY SOBRIETY? I’m just curious… But the second some CELEBRITY decides it’s better to “check out” than to “stick it out” and try to get past all of the struggles and obstacles that only a life of Fame, Success, Financial Independence and Limitless Potential can bring they traipse out this supposed “expert”, just in time to get this helpful little “Dollop of Discerning Diarrhea”:
“If I’d just had the time to spend with (insert CELEBRITY name here) I’m sure I could have reached them…”
I was especially angered, when the fairly recent wake of 80’s hard rock singer, Jani Lane’s “apparently” alcohol-related death – “Doctor” Drew, referred to the death as “sad” and continued (unfortunately) by saying, that if Jani had been on “his” show… it would have somehow made a “difference”… That “HE” (Dr. Drew) would have somehow made a difference. I understand that I’m no doctor, but I think the last thing any CELEBRITY needs to do, while trying to get their life together, is remain under the close scrutiny of the media or the prying eyes of the “PUBLIC”… Who does that benefit, “really”?… The CELEBRITY?… or the public’s insatiable “blood-lust”? (we are notorious for LOVING a good “Train Wreck” – go ahead, try and tell me I’m wrong) … and in the end, isn’t it really DR. DREW that ends up with the real “PAYDAY“? After all, a LOT of times, the CELEB is dead… We’ve moved on to the NEXT “Train Wreck Du Jour” and until someone tells Drew he’s FULL OF CRAP
… the cycle will continue… and aren’t we supposed to stay away from those?… “Cycles”?
Like with the “countless” number of clients that Pinsky has championed towards a “Full and LASTING Recovery” that we hear so much about? I guess I shouldn’t say “countless”… more like “innumerable”… no, that’s not right either… unless your definitions of either one of those words happens to look like this:
“Countless or Innumerable” definition: FIctional Amount meant to seem LARGE, but in reality, cannot be detected by the naked eye or “Human Perception” ~ Unable to count, because a number that small hasn’t been invented yet – unless you are referring to the laborious, thankless and often times mind-numbingly tedious task of “electron counting” done while trying to predict some forms of electronic structure and particle-bonding that may occur between different elemental compounds during various phases of microbiology. (NONE of which is true or even “medical” in any way, shape or form – JUST LIKE Dr. Drew’s “brand” of psychotherapy)
Am I being a little hard on this guy, you may ask?…DAMN STRAIGHT! But I think it only “fair” to explain “WHY”…
…Because he is screwing directly with people’s LIVES… and as someone that has seen my fair share of “therapy”, I can attest to the fact that it doesn’t look like he knows what the hell he’s doing! When I said Dr. Drew’s “Brand” of Psychotherapy, I mean it, just like any other “Corporate BRAND”… Just like Dr. Phil’s “Brand”… Just like Coca~Cola’s “Brand”… (except, that I “LIKE” Coca~Cola, and would welcome them aboard, any time, as a sponsor of “Go Figg’r”)
…All Seriousness Aside… …I was actually kind of interested in knowing more about the Dr. Drew’s “Success Rate”, in terms of how many CELEBRITIES (or for that matter, how many “REAL” people) he has “helped” to achieve sobriety… Or, at the very “least”, find ONE person willing to come out and publicly state, “for the record”, that somehow Dr. Pinsky had made a “positive” contribution to them turning their lives around… <<< sound of crickets >>> Again, upon researching Dr. Drew’s “background” (I routinely check out the backgrounds of those I decide to filet and/or skewer, in an effort to gain a better understanding of why they officially “SUCK”) I was a little surprised to find, that Pinsky’s father was a pretty well-respected physician (back in “the day”). What I wasn’t surprised to uncover, was that Drew’s mother was a retired “Entertainer”… her starring role in “Jungle Moon Men”, cementing her legacy in Hollywood, much the way Dr. Drew’s involvement with CELEBRITY rehabilitation “cemented the shoes” of the hopes for celebrity lives filled with quality sobriety or any sort of contentment. Now, I am not irresponsible enough to say that Dr. Drew’s “interventions” in the lives of CELEBRITIES actually led to their numerous and well-documented relapses, legal entanglements and in some cases “DEATHS”… But I’m ALSO not irresponsible enough to say that if “I” were to have been directly involved in trying to save the lives of some pretty “High Profile CELEBRITIES” (after their deaths) that somehow the outcome would have been “different”. The reason that I wasn’t surprised to find that Drew’s mom had been an actress, is because the “POSER” DOESN’T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE…
Dr. Drew, (a self-described “narcissist” – look it up) for all intents and purposes, is an “Entertainer”. If you have ever had the “displeasure” of listening to the “Radio Fluff” he masquerades as a late-night, phone-in “advice” show, “LOVELINE”, then you know what I am talking about. The last time I listened to a segment of the show (I drive a commercial vehicle for a living and, late at night, sometimes my “listening options” are limited) He spent over 20 minutes discussing (at great length) how different “illegal” drugs in a “man’s” system are “transferred” to the guy’s sexual partner in different “blood-level concentrations” via the man’s (well, for lack of a better term – “man goo”). Then he proceeded to joke around about it with whoever his “fill-in cohost” was that evening. If I remember correctly (I do) it was a “Rock Band” that seemed more concerned in getting the personal phone number of the female caller (a self-confirmed PREGNANT drug addict) than with actually telling her that maybe giving up “Crystal Meth” instead of finding out ways to get even “higher” on her boyfriend’s “bodily fluids”, might be advantageous to both she and her UNBORN CHILD…
The thing is; if people really keep legitimizing Drew’s “brand”, someone may end up getting hurt as a direct result… and there is NOTHING “entertaining” about that. Dr. Drew is a “QUACK” and I wish he would just GO AWAY… NEXT! (This JUST in: It has been reported that Stand-Up Comedian/Actor and all around “Train Wreck” ANDY DICK has gone on record as saying, that Dr. Drew deserves to be given “a break”… and that he may even care “TOO MUCH”… ) Thanks MR. DICK!… NNNNEEEEEXXXXTTTTT!
#2) Scott Disick
Well, what can I say about “Scott Disick” that the world doesn’t already know?… Apparently… nothing. As far as I can tell, while trying to unearth some dirt on the guy people “Love to Hate”, I found out only a “few” things you might not already know:
- He is originally from Long Island, New York.
- He got kicked out of prep school.
- His parents inherited some money years ago, squandered most of it and now seem content to live off of their son’s name…
… But “WHAT”, may you ask, sets “THIS” Heavily-Drugged and “Obviously” Mentally-Ill Prognosticator apart from the other “garden-variety” CELEBSthat have donned the “Dunce Cap of Doom” in more recent years? Of course I am speaking of the “Gary Busey’s” and the… well, I guess Gary is about the only one out there I’ve seen with, what appears to be, the same “delusional, schizophrenic, self-destructive, prophet-emulating” mental disorder, that I’ve seen exhibited by Mr. Sheen. Though, by NO means do I consider myself a “Master of Behavioral Diagnosis or Addiction Expertise” like my good friend “Dr. Drew”… so I could simply be, really “out of line and careless” with my assessment… If that’s the case I apologize wholeheartedly…
…BUT… I think it is safe to say (even from the casual lay person’s perspective) That Charlie Sheen has, most recently, exhibited all of the classic, tale-tell signs of someone suffering from “Gotwaytoomuchmoneyandtimeonmyhands~itis” (again… I am no “mental clinician” and know that it is irresponsible and foolhardy to make a BLIND ASSUMPTION without “ALL the facts”… right, Ashton?) With the exception of a little “blurb” or two on Twitter and a couple animated “videos”, poking fun at Mr. Sheen this past year, I have kind of steered clear of “wasting your time” talking about someone who so blatantly LOVES spending HIS time “Wasting all of OURS“…but really and “most” importantly… wasting his KID’S TIME…
Something lost in all of the “Hullabaloo”, surrounding “Chuck” and his “Sheenanigans” (oh yeah, I went there)
In actuality, Charlie has fathered (I “guess” you could say that) 67 children with at least 29 different women…
Wait… no, that’s not right…
Okay, he’s “fathered” like 4 or 5 (or something) kids… ALL of them with women who are “mentally-ill”(which doesn’t bode well for the children, does it?)
Now you may say to yourself,
“I had NO idea that the women Charlie had offspring with were “mentally-ill”… Why didn’t I know that?”
To which I would respond, “I just told you… so NOW you know”.
Okay… so the women that Charlie had kids with aren’t technically “mentally-ill” (as far as we know. Though most have been in some sort of “counseling” as a direct result of their involvement with Mr. Sheen) AND… “ANYONE” in their “right mind” wouldn’t have had ANYTHING to do with Carlos Estevez, if they knew an iota of his “backstory”… and how could anyone have “missed it”… We’ve ALL watched it unfold together over the years. He’s practically BEGGED us to watch…
…BUT… It’s almost like the “children” of Charlie Sheen and whomever he decided to “throw a shot” into are “doomed” to live the life of another HOLLYWOOD HEAVYWEIGHT … “Freddy Krueger”.
“Whatever do I MEAN by that?”
Well I’m glad I am assuming you asked that question…
You see the HOLLYWOOD CREATION and STAR of Wes Craven’s popular “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise (Freddy Krueger) was the “byproduct” of the “love child” spawned by Freddy’s mom (a psychiatric nurse) and over 100 inmates of an insane asylum that she was tragically and “accidentally” locked into overnight.
…There… do you see the parallel?… NO?…
Well, in this “real life” scenario… Whoever Charlie has fathered a child with, is the “psychiatric nurse”, trying desperately to be the one to “change” our buddy, Chuck.
Charlie, on the other hand, is the gang of psychotic mental patients who ravage and brutalize the woman, leaving her battered, bruised and violated in the corner (of some really “spacious digs” – instead of the whole “insane asylum” thing) where she gives birth to a child that has NO chance of making it out of the nature of their “conception” without being a “little screwed up”… (in this “real life” scenario, the gang of over 100 mental patients actually LIVE inside of Charlie’s head)
…Does THAT work for ya’?
At “BEST” the kids will be raised FAR from the “glaring and probing” public eye… at “WORST” they will end up “A Chip Off the Old Chuck”… I’m hoping for the “BEST”…
… But as for “Charlie”?…
I’m sure you’ll make it out of this, none the worse for wear… and that saddens me… because people could’ve HONESTLY learned something from you while you had their “attention”… Now, I guess we’ll just wait for someone “else” to come along… which by “my” watch, should be happening any second now…
“Til Then…GO FIGG’R!
D A N
Oh… for those of you who were expecting my annual list of “Creepy Songs”… here it is… (In no particular order, except the one I just put it in a few seconds ago)
#10) “Welcome to the Family” – Avenged Sevenfold
#9) “Ballroom Blitz” – Sweet
#8) “Somebody’s Watching Me” – Rockwell
#7) “Chop Suey” – System of a Down
#6) “Time Warp” – Richard O’ Brien (Riff Raff), Patricia Quinn (Magenta) and Little Nell (Columbia)
#5) “Cry Little Sister” – Gerard McMann and Michael Mainieri (Actually my “FAVORITE” on this year’s list)
#4) “Bullet” – Hollywood Undead
#3) “Mother” – Danzig (funniest thing I’ve ever seen. NOW “completely” different from how I “viewed” it as a screwed up kid)
#2) “Don’t Fear the Reaper” – Blue Oyster Cult (next to “Dust in The Wind”, the song I MOST wanted played at my “funeral” (as a kid)… NOW, I think “both” would be a bad idea… and I was a “stupid” kid)
#1) “Bad Moon Rising” – Creedence Clearwater Revival (TOTALLY “Kick Ass” Song)
…if you ask “nicely”, I will write a little more about “why” these songs made the list this year… otherwise, just enjoy their “creepiness”…