. . . Is this the year that I “turn the corner” on the whole “becoming a CELEBRITY thing”? Will it somehow “be different” this go ’round? Will I get up off my duff and “do something” that will “make a difference” in the ENTERTAINMENT COMMUNITY?. . . Well, chances are. . . “no”. I will more than likely continue writing a “blog” (few people read, let alone appreciate) and keep using unnecessary “quotation marks”, italics and CAPITAL LETTERS in my futile efforts to assist “YOU” in understanding that NOT JUST “ANYBODY” can do what “I” do. . . whatever “this” is. . . . BUT. . . that’s not what’s putting your butt’s in the “cheap seats” today, now is it?. . . Nope . . . You’re expecting something from me. Like SO many others have this year. To be honest, if given the choice between having to actually “deal” with people on a day-to-day basis OR “something else entirely” , I think I’d choose the “something else entirely” . Unfortunately for me (and maybe you) I was given “The Gift of Gab”. From an early age, I used to make my parents, relatives, friends (until they stopped coming over) and just about ANYBODY watch while I used to put on little “plays”, comedy sketches, puppet shows or variety/talent competitions. It had to be exhausting for everyone. How do I know? Because I STILL DO IT. . . Not only that, but all of those people I was just talking about, have each told me individually (in their own special way) that I am very “emotionally draining” to be around, especially on “road trips”. I in turn, take this as “constructive criticism”.(because NO ONE knows what the hell they are talking about) So just like a BIG BOX DEPARTMENT STORE
(but in an entirely different way), I pass that savings on to you in the form of “Entertainment Vouchers”. These imaginary vouchers are redeemable every time you decide you want to read one of my “little gems” – COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE and then go tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW how funny and talented I am . . . helluva’ deal, huh? (Incidentally, I choose to make up these type of “bargaining arrangements” in my head to make any legitimate sense out of “what I do”, because, who in their “right mind” would keep on investing this much of themselves in something with little to no “tangible” payoff? Wow. . . I need a migraine pill.) . . . All Seriousness Aside. . . That is precisely why I felt the urge to “squeeze out” one last BIT before the NEW YEAR came. In a lot of ways it is like a FART that has been sitting “on deck” for quite some time. Once released, it may seem a little stale. . . but once the initial unpleasantness wears off, you will find it oddly satisfying. . . at least “I” will . . . You guys are on your own. . . I have “notes” scattered around my “Creation Station” at home. My “Creation Station” is a computer table and art desk located in our bedroom. It is where I work on my writing, drawings and “craft” throughout the year. A lot of times, in order to come up with something “new and fun” for you folks to read, I will consult various Post-it notes for scribblings, doodles or reminders in order to construct a “Comedic Masterpiece” that you folks can read, enjoy and subsequently forget within a half hour of reading. (This is all VERY rewarding) But before I unleash this final “Comedy Dynamo” on you, I should probably let you know that I have NEVER ONCE referred to the desk in my bedroom as a “Creation Station”. . . that sounds completely lame. Also, the bit that you are about to read is merely “left-over ruminations” found in the outer recesses of my mind. (translation? This is some crap that I completely forgot about scrawled out on the back of an electric bill envelope I found when I was cleaning out my room) But, Hey! . . . It’s still my stuff! Does it matter where it came from? Anyway, you wouldn’t want to see “my” electric bill. We’ve got a “space heater”. . . ouch ($) . . . 2010 had it’s fair share of musical hits (NONE of which automatically come to mind) But there was a trend that I noticed in some of the songs from the “Year That Was” that I’d like to point out. . . Stupid Song Lyrics. Now, “Doing What I DO” for a living (this isn’t it – for obvious reasons) affords me the opportunity to listen to a lot of what today’s kids are viewing as “Phat”, “Dope” and “Rad” out there in the way of “Popular Music”. Therefore, I pride myself on being “Hip”. There are songs that are out there that could have been “Awesome” (even ‘back in the dizzle’ ) . . . But there are SO many more that I would have probably considered “Whack”. Not because the songs themselves aren’t “catchy” or don’t “stick in your brain”. A bunch of them DO, but for ALL THE WRONG REASONS. It’s not that all the songs “sucked”. (some did) It’s not that I dislike all the “artists” (only most of them) But while listening to these songs, there was just something “Not Right” , or in some instances, “So VERY Wrong” about them. . . [Disclaimer: The adjectives that I used above (i.e. phat, dope, rad, whack, awesome and lastly – dizzle) were purely for “comedic effect”. I don’t want to dissuade you from thinking I am the most “PREEMINENT and FOREMOST EXPERT in ALL THINGS POP CULTURE”. . . because, I “AM”. . . merely, by saying “it is so”. (it’s kind of like naming a star after your wife, by paying “National Star Registry” fifty dollars. . . only, not. Did you know they had a National Star Registry Canada? Is EVERYBODY getting a piece of this? I bet they clean up during the “Northern Lights”.) ] . . . Oh yeah. . . here are the songs I chose for my: 1st Annual “Dumbest Song Lyrics of the Year. . . and Why” (2010) I understand that most of these made “Other” Lists this year, for being “Good”. . . but being the “non-conformist” that I am. . . here you go. . . #5) Bruno Mars – “Grenade” – Okay, this is supposed to be about “lyrics”, but can I just mention that this guy looks like a cross between Little Richard, James Brown (the young one) and any number of Major League Baseball “Dominican Republic Imports”? I think some would say, his look is “timeless”. . . “I” would say that his look is from a “time” that has both “come” and “gone”. Am I “jealous”? Of his notoriety and fame for collaborating on a hideous song and making a BOO KOO BUCKS off of it?. . . yes. (Like many other “artists” he didn’t actually “write” the song) But this song’s lyrics go WAY beyond unrequited love. Instead deciding to dive “headfirst” into “restraining order obsession”. Dude. . . get over it. . . She’s just not that into you:
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, ) I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah, ) You know I’d do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, ) Oh, oh I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain, Yes, I would die for you baby. . . But you won’t do the same.
. . . No DUH! . . . Couldn’t you just as well have said, “I’d make homemade lemonade for ya’. Get sent to the Mets in a trade for ya’?”. . . Something? Does this chick (or dude. . . sorry) really have to be willing to “DIE” for you to be happy? I’m just sayin’. . . She might be more impressed if you weren’t so heavy into “self-mutilation”. . . and by the sounds of it, you’re unemployed. At least you will be. . . once this song goes out of heavy rotation. Pop some prozac and come up with something a little more “peppy” next time, ‘kay? Better yet, why don’t you take a few swings in the batting cage. . . work out some of that “stress” . . . NEXT? #4) Nikki Minaj (featuring Will I Am) – “Check It Out” – Was it this year that someone invoved with Will I Am punched Perez Hilton in the face? . . . Oh, that was last year? Well, what has he done this year?. . . Oh, he butchered a song that I recall fondly (even though it sucked) by “sampling” it – or in “non” hip-hop lingo, “stole by using it, merely to cover up for the inadequacies he has as a true “musician” in creating a ‘catchy hook’ on his own”. . . The product? This complete and TOTAL pile of “horse flop” . Come to think of it, I think it was his manager that punched Perez in the face. He didn’t even do THAT without some help. . . I don’t want to piss off any “Black Eyed Peas” fans out there (they are a ravenous herd of blood-letters), so I should probably stick to the portion of the song that I find COMPLETELY stupid besides “ALL THE REST OF IT”. Though I have to give it up to them for being able to rhyme obscenities with ease and grace; I CAN”T STAND the last line of this part:
And I don’t sympathize, cause you a simple b***h I just pop up on these hoes on some pimple sh*t And put the iron to your face you old wrinkled b***h We just had to kill it We on the radio hotter than a skillet We in the club making party people holla Money in the bank we be getting top dollar I’m a big baller, You a little smaller Step up to my level, you need to grow a little taller I’m shot caller Get up off my collar “. . . You a Chihuahua. . . ” “. . . I’m a Rottweiler. . . “
You know, now that I look at it, neither one of them rhymed ANY of those words very well. . . and they repeated themselves in some instances. . . . but the “TOPPER” for me and quite possibly “THE WORST ATTEMPT AT RHYMING TWO WORDS IN THE HISTORY OF RHYMING” would be the coupling of “Chihuahua” and “Rottweiler” . . . in fact, this song SO makes me want to put a comment card in the “Suggestion Box” at the “Knock it Off Department”, that I will now simply just have to step away from this song. . . never to return. #3) Lady Antebellum – “Need You Now” – (aka. ‘The Tale of the Drunken Booty Call’ ) – I really hadn’t done a lot of research on this song prior to writing this. (go figg’r) I do know that it sounds like a “country song” and that confused me slightly. I understand that there are “crossover artists” out there. Some would say that “Taylor (not so) Swift” is one. My thinking on “Taylor Swift” is this. . . .not much. . . .But there was something a little different about the “sound” of this song. Parts of it sound like they are “auto-tuned”. Which in and of itself would probably land it on my list of “Worst Songs EVER”. . . but I decided to look “DEEPER” than that. . . Which was difficult, because the “TOPIC” of this song is so incredibly “SHALLOW”. But nowhere was that evidenced more than when (and where) I first encountered this song for myself. My 6 year old daughter’s school carnival. There’s nothing that says “family outing” and “School Fundraiser” more to me, than a good old-fashioned “BOOTY CALL SONG”. . .
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before And I wonder if I ever cross your mind For me it happens all the time It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk and I need you now Said I wouldn’t call but I’ve lost all control and I need you now And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now
. . . Anyway. . . So I found myself walking up to my daughter’s principal and asking, “So YOU’RE an adult, right?. . . You see these kids runnin’ around here?. . . Do you hear this song?. . . . Yeah, I’m gonna’ take my wife and kids and the brownies we brought for the Bake Sale and we’re going to leave now. . . Thanks heaps!. . . Bye-Bye now!” (True Story) I’m not “Mr. Tightass” or anything (I’m even a registered Democrat) but it just struck me as a completely odd song choice to be piped through the sound system at a “School-Sponsored Function” for a bunch of kindergartners. . . call me “crazy”. . . the Principal sure did. #2 Willow Smith – “Whip My Hair” – Please tell me if ANYONE on GOD’S GREEN EARTH thinks that this little girl would have had this song made, let alone PLAYED, if her Mommy and Daddy (but let’s face it. . . DADDY) weren’t who they are? What the hell does this song even mean? I have two daughters (age 6 and 13) and neither one of them can tell me what this means. Is this some sort of Scientologist Prophecy ? Is she the “chosen one”? Has Will finally crossed over to the “Dark Side” completely? Well, he hasn’t had a bona fide hit in like, forever. . . and it does seem like his kids are becoming a little more involved in the entertainment industry. . . I could really read some sort of cult-like deal with Xenu into this whole thing, but I’m pretty sure this is how the whole deal went down:
Jay-Z : (sitting by Will and Jada’s pool, fanning himself with 100 dollar bills, while getting his feet rubbed by Beyonce) So, I guess Jaden made a movie, huh? Is Willow wanting to do one too?. . . Honey ‘B’! (scolding Beyonce) What’d I tell you about rubbin’ on my bunions so damn hard?!”
Beyonce : “Sorry Daddy!”
Will : (Giving Jada a back rub) Nah, man. . . she wants to sing or somethin’. . . I don’t know. I can’t remember what the nanny said for sure. . . WILLOW!” , calling to his daughter in the pool, “Come here and tell Uncle ‘Z’ what you told Juanita!”
Jada : “Pookie, what’d I say about only working the cocoa butter in, in a clockwork rotation?!”
Will : “Sorry, baby. . . “
Willow : (running up to the couple of nice rich people that her parents refer to as ‘relatives’) “What’s up daddy? I need a towel! I’m cold! (now whipping her hair back and forth)
Will : “Sweetie, knock that off. . . You gettin’ us all wet! What you think you doin’?” Willow : “Sorry, daddy. . . I was just whippin’ my hair back and forth”
Jay-Z : (reaching for his cell phone) “Will!. . . Hold up, brotha’. . . I gotta’ make a call. . . but I think I got somethin’ fo’ ya’. . . “
The rest, as they say. . . was “misery”. . .
Hop up out the bed turn my swag on Pay no attention to them haters cuz we whip em off and we ain’t doing nothing wrong so don’t tell me nothing, i’m just tryna have fun so keep the party jumping so whats up (yeah) And I’ll be doing what to do we turn our back and whip our hair and just shake them off shake them off, shake them off,shake them off Don’t let haters keep me off my grind Keep my head up i know I’ll be fine Keep fighting until i get there When i’m down and i feel like giving up i think again I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it) I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
. . . and if they thought they were doing DEVO any favors? I will never be able to listen to their song again either. . . The ONLY bright spot in ANY of this was this BRILLIANT parody. . . (the only reason she is not #1 on this list, is because I think that Scientologists know where I live. . .)
#1) Far East Movement – “Like a G-6” – the term “G-6” as far as I could find on “Wikipedia” is some sort of Gulf-Stream jet that can fly around 570 miles per hour. It is also a mid-sized car produced by Pontiac (which at time of press is still open for business) However, I have a hard time thinking that the folks in the lineup of this particular “group” were thinking of either one of those things when they put pen to paper and came up with this “little ditty”. I’m actually uncertain what they are referring to during most of this song. But, I think it would be safe to say that whatever they are talking about is taking place at some sort of nightclub or other type of social setting where “alcohol” is not only in demand, but very “essential”
to the festivities. There are words in the lyrics of this song, that I’m unsure were even “words” until they were uttered in the context of a song where a “dude” who really wanted to “meet the ladies”, while “faced”. My “favorite” line is when the ladies demand Promethazine w/Codeine syrup, in order that they may be suitably inebriated and therefore “taken advantage of” by anyone that is willing to provide it to them. Though, I would counter that they would more than likely “give it up” to “Just About Anyone”. . . because they are sluts. . . I don’t know for sure. You make the call:
. . . Anyway, that oughta’ just about wrap it up for me this year. . . Oh, I know. . . you were expecting Ke$ha on this list (what, with the picture at the top and everything). The truth is, I would have to devote an entire list to her to adequately explain my distaste for who I view as the “Worst Performer of ALL TIME” (next to THE ENTIRE CAST OF “GLEE”)
. . . and as it stands, I just don’t have that kind of time. . . Maybe Next Year. . . As for “me”?. . . I’m not sure I’ll be “Makin’ It BIG” this year. . . I tend to expect the absolute “worst” in life. That way anything that could be construed as remotely “positive” that occurs, can be viewed as a “pleasant surprise”. . . Have a SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR (no drinking sizzurp, then operating heavy machinery)
D A N