From the “Baggin’ on Bako” files. . . I decided to dust off this little gem, for your perusal. . . WHAT?!. . . I’ve been frickin’ BUSY!. . . Anyway. . . though I no longer reside in Bakersfield, this does tend to be “that time of year”. . . When a wide assortment of nutballs crawl out from under the rocks from whence they came with “startling” footage. . . So here you go. . . I’ll be back in two shakes of a “Chup’s” tale. . . enjoy!. . .
No, in the Midwest the speak of the occasional “Bigfoot” sighting, maybe an occasional “Jackelope”. . . or when I lived in North Dakota, briefly as a youth, I seem to recall hearing about a buffalo known simply as “Lonesome George” that roamed “The Badlands” of North and South Dakota for like 200 years without a herd of his own. But the “CHUPACABRA” really puzzled me. . .
WHY?. . . Why would the people of Bakersfield decide they had nothing else to do in the sweltering summer heat, but capture “grainy cell phone” video of a dog with mange, then try to pass it off as some sort of “Urban Legend”? Because. . . they are really deprived of any legitimate “entertainment options”. . . That’s WHY. . .
And what’s with “grainy video” anyway? Especially with all the advances in technology? It’s like any time people want to show anything somewhat controversial or worth a “little extra” scrutiny, it always appears to be filmed by Abraham Zapruder?
“Gee, Hank, I don’t know. . . It looks like a dog with mange. . . I mean, this video sucks!. . . How many beers did you say you had before you shot this?”
“I wasn’t drinkin’ beer Marty!. . . I resent the insinuation!. . . I was drinkin’ Mad Dog!. . . and it was after NOON. . . What are you?. . . My mother?”
Heh, heh. . . Hank and Marty are always good for a story. . . but they can’t shoot video to save their lives.
So, never having actually heard of the elusive “CHUPUCABRA”, before having moved to the place I now make my home. . . Bakersfield. (aka. “A Hot and Steamy Pile of Cat Crap in the Litter Box of HELL“) I decided to take a look at some other “video evidence” that’s out there on the internet. . . readily available to all those that would BELIEVE. . .
. . . yep, it’s a dog with mange. . . in some instances it may be a coyote. . . or even a baby sheep? Whatever it is, it’s obviously seen better days and probably isn’t feeling too well. . .
But you know what? I thought it’d be neat to come up with my own “Leyenda Urbana”. And since I can’t even hear the term “CHUPACABRA” without thinking of a “CHALUPA COBRA”, I am already fast at work creating a story, suitable for the evening news. Perhaps, somehow, somewhere in Southern California, there is a Taco Bell located right next door to an Exotic Pet store. There may even be an employee of the Taco Bell, who also (because of these trying financial times) finds himself having to moonlight as an employee of that Exotic Pet Store – on his days off from Taco Bell – to supplement his income. One day, he may have a fight with his boss (at Taco Bell) which causes him to become enraged. . . He may become SO enraged that he decides to GET EVEN with his boss. . . and maybe a few others.
I’m thinking the employee, probably keeps his mouth shut. . . the first seeds of his plan starting to germinate (or grow or whatever) as he plots his revenge. . . secretly. One night, a few weeks after being angered by his employer, he sees his opportunity. A King Cobra, lays eggs at the pet store while he watches. . . anxiously. . . eagerly. . . yet, patiently.
Two months go by, and the employee has been the “Picture Perfect” Employee at Taco Bell. Even garnering an “Employee of the Month” Award – and accompanying coupons redeemable for food (at his location only). Then (as King Cobras do) prior to her eggs hatching she leaves the nest she has secured for them in the Pet Store. In actuality, she is released in the women’s bathroom of the Taco Bell by the “disgruntled” employee. . . when his manager decides to take a dump. (The door is barricaded and the managerreally finds a reason to crap!) Then, the “eggs” (being kept the “perfect temperature” under the food-heating lamps) hatch. . . some are even sent out with some of the unsuspecting customers, who unfortunately chose “this night” to enjoy a steaming hot “CHALUPA COBRA”. . . AAAYYIIIIIYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
. . . So what do you think?. . . A legend is born?. . . Sure beats a dog with mange!
. . . I worked at a Taco Bell once. . . once. . . for a day. . . I saw how they mixed up their meat (YUCK). . . I’ll catch ya’ later!
‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!
Peace Out. . . Later
D A N