So when another “Religious Holiday” rolls around like “EASTER”. I like to don my “Holier than Thou” attire (complete with fancy headdress)
and pronounce to all that will listen. . .
YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!. . .
God Bless You. . .
To the zealots out there, professing their Religious Views to be THE ONLY TRUE DOGMA. . . I don’t REALLY think I am “Holier than Thou”. No, far from it. . . I am simply BETTER THAN YOU. . . Yes, YOU – Reverends Falwell, Robertson and Horton Heat.
But I digress (more than most), Back to this 3-D image of Jesus. . .
. . . Okay, I consider myself a Christian (I love when people say that, “I” say it, because I AM) But I feel a “tad” uncomfortable when women refer to him as “HOT”. . . In the same way that they refer to Tyler Lautner as “HOT”. BUT, not so uncomfortable that I want these women to be rounded up and exiled as if they made a Muhammad Cartoon. . ..
. . . All I’m saying is we really need to think about our Vacuum Cleaners a little more around the Holidays. . . (really? That isn’t what I was saying?. . . Hmm, could swear I was “getting” to that). Anyway, around Christmas, I shared with you the fact that I was a little “agitated” that the Holiday had really been turned into a
COMMERCIALIZED DAY OF HEATHEN HOOPLA. . .
Well, maybe I didn’t say it exactly like that, but I remember being pissed. . .
I seem to remember a scene from “The BIBLE” (it was a REALLY GOOD movie, kind of LONG though- No wait, that was the book) in which the actor playing Jesus (always Willem Dafoe) cast some tax collectors off of the steps of a synagogue for collecting on a “Sabbath” (a “Sabbath” is a day when NO ONE is supposed to work, except the “wait staff” at wherever you decide to dine that day. . . Oh, and convenience store employees)
So what do we do as a “Society” when one of these “Jesus Days” comes along? I mean WWJD?(What Would Jesus Do? – For those of you who’ve either forgotten or can’t find that old plastic bracelet in your sock drawer) For starters I think he might kick the crap out of the Easter Bunny. (He can get MAD you know. He “Opened Up a Can” on those Tax Collectors) Then I think he might decide that we’ve been spending a little too much time “Spending Money” on STUPID CRAP. . . Like Chocolate Bunnies, Egg-dyeing kits, Easter Baskets, PLASTIC GREEN GRASS, and the like. . .
“Chill,” he would say, “Look at yourselves. . . Doesn’t this all seem a trifle CONTRIVED to you?” (He can go from “FULL-ON IN YOUR FACE” butt-kicker to “SAVIOR” in like, a milli-second. . . yeah, he’s THAT good)
But, NO – God (and in turn, his kid) have decided to let us DO OUR THING on these Holidays. (He doesn’t “Stir the Pot” much – guess we do that well enough on our own) He lets us mill around down here, doing our best to “Screw Everything Up” (It’s like Ricki & Lucy) and waits. . . For WHAT, I’m not sure. . . So when you decide (Like MY family will, and DOES every year) to do the “Commercial Holiday Thing”, just stop for a second and remember what it is REALLY supposed to be about. . .
Your Vacuum Cleaner. . . Do you realize that during MOST of these “Jesus Days” we are wreaking havoc on our Vacuums? I mean, I personally have to buy a new one every year. Think about it. . . “Christmas” (by FAR the most “trash generating holiday”) all that wrapping paper, all those little bits of tinsle and tiny pieces of packaging. . . Then there is “New Years” (Not really a “Jesus Day”, unless you want to count the fact that every “New One” is counted after the year of his DEATH) but a REALLY MESSY one. . . Confetti up the ying yang (or all over your floor – depending on where you sit) Party Popper Residue. . . It’s a nightmare. . . Then we have “Easter”. Bits of egg shell, strewn out all over “God Knows Where” (and he DOES) silver chocolate wrappers, and the “piece de resistance” (aka. “the topper”). . . That Green Plastic Grass. . . it tears up your vacuum belt, gets hung up on the roller and sends your happy ass on the way back to the store for a new vacuum. . . Just in time for “Spring Cleaning”. . . Just don’t ever do it on the “Sabbath”. . .
So I hope you at least take ONE positive away from this today. . . “Easter” will remain “just another Commercial Holiday” and there’s nothing “I” say that is going to change that. . . But maybe you’ll think twice about getting “Green Plastic Grass”. . .
. . . ‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later