I hate lists . . . I really do, When it was suggested that I could boost my readership, by introducing them as a “fixture”, I thought it was agimmick. I thought that it was only something that writers do, when they are hard-up for actual material. So, I thought today, to overcompensate for my creative “shortcomings”, I’d offer you TWO lists. This is something I actually did compile as a service and in doing so, found it very entertaining and rewarding. I also needed something to tie togetherHALLOWEEN ’09, as I all but told you this month was ALL ABOUTthe Halloweenie around my place. The FIRST list is Halloween-related, inasmuch, as the idea was conceived and written the day before Halloween. I would like to “cough up” a list of CELEBRITIES that I find “SCARY”. oooo, boooo, MWAHHH, HAAA, HAAA. . . . no. . . This isn’t so much about a list of CELEBS that can “terrify” you or “creep you out”. (some are) Not everyone on the list is “gross-out material” (most are) It doesn’t even mean that you or I should think of them as someone we wouldn’t want to “Meet in a Dark Alley” (Okay, that’s a lie, THEY ALL are someone that would make me soil myself should THAT scenario “pan out”) Not because they are “famous” or “Untouchable”. . . Not by any stretch. . . PUH-LEASE. . . They ARE all , undeniably “People of Note”. Some more than others. I’d freak out in the dark alley thing, because I thing that’s probably EXACTLY where many of them got there start and it would be shocking to see them come full circle. (Sorry Andy Dick) This is NOT a list of CELEBRITIES I hate. (some are) It doesn’t mean they are the type of people that I generally try to avoid. (but most are) So who are the CELEBRITIES that I find “SCARY”, because I can’t, for the life of me, figure out WHY they ARE CELEBRITIES?(they ALL are)
To be able to “Roast” or “Lampoon” a CELEBRITY, it is generally common knowledge that the “ROASTER” or “LAMPOONER” should be someone of equal or Greater Value. That is to say, they themselves should be considered a STAR. I personally have a problem with that“theory”, because I cannot be held responsible for the fact that the“World”, just doesn’t understand that I AM ONE. It’s not my fault, you haven’t “caught on”. Luckily, I am a patient and forgiving man. Truth be told, left to my own devices and with a lot of idle “Celebrity Assessment” time on my hands, I just think about . . . stuff. I think we REALLY dropped the ball on deciding who we should be “this interested” in making a “STAR”. Here you are. WE asked for it:
(Worth (NOT) Mentioning: Please note that I am not including “people” like Octomom, Jon & Kate, or other people from the “reality” world. I do not consider them CELEBRITIES. They are more of a “Side Show DIStraction”. They are also like a “Cover Band” opening up for Led Zeppelin. . . NO, they’re like the “Groupies” of the “Roadies” FOR the Cover Band. . . Yeah, they disgust me.)
HOLLYWOOD’S TOP TEN SCARIEST CELEBRITIES:
(Because we have Poor Taste, as a Society, in choosing who we make “Famous”)
#10) Steve Buscemi – I apologize to Mr. Buscemi. In all honesty, he almost didn’t make this list. I understand that he is an independent film icon, who has gained world-wide notoriety for his quirky and “neurotic” characters. In fact, he has made a “Cottage CHEESY” industry out of it. Unfortunately, I could not overlook the”F’UGLY FACTOR”. When this “Snaggletoothed Thespian” burst on the scene in ’86 in “Parting Glances”, I think we were all so “shocked”by his appearance, that we felt sorry for him and said, “Okay, Steve, you’re a STAR. Just don’t make us LOOK at you anymore.” It was kind of like watching that kid in “Mask”. He was great in The Wedding Singer, Reservoir Dogs and even Armageddon (hey. . . Williscried, remember) Sorry, Steve. . . I’ll glance, but it will ALWAYS be a “parting” one. . .
#9) Benicio Del Toro – Another“freakishly” unattractive man, who I DO like as far as being an actor. At least, for the “creepy” factor. He was in ONE movie that I actually SAW. “The Usual Suspects”. The problem with “Mr. Unibrow” is in his monotone voice and in, what I perceive, as a “One-Trick Pony”-style of acting. Am I a Director?. . . No. . . If I was, would I cast him?. . . No. He has been compared to a “Poor Man’s Brad Pitt”. Something else I don’t get. Not that I disagree. I’m just not sure I understand what that means. If it means what I think it does, I’d assert that he is more like the“Poor Man’s Willem Dafoe”. If Dafoe ever needs a successor (and I can’t imagine, for the life of me, WHY he would) I guess Benicio could probably do it. But, until then, I guess he’ll just be in more movies, I have no desire to see. . . like the upcoming “Wolfman”. I smell a Bad Moon stinking.
#8) Kathy Griffin – She was good in “News Radio”. . . Oh. . . I guess that was Vicki Lewis. Well, then, other than ONE Seinfeld episode, in which she played (by all accounts) herself, I don’t “Get It”. She has built a career out of “CELEBReality Television”, which is enough to make me NOT want to include her, but she is enough in the “mainstream” that I was forced to give her the nod. There are few comics that I find as “grating” or “annoying” to every one of my senses . . . simultaneously. But hang on. There IS one more coming up. I guess, I’d have to say my final thoughts on KG are that she is the unfunny, unattractive and MUCH older version of Sarah Silverman. But when Griffin is “vulgar”?. . . I feel like I just got molested by and Aunt. She has apparently been hanging out with Levi Johnston.(The kid that knocked up Palin’s daughter, then got the “boot” and apparently will be showing his FAT-ASS in Playgirl soon)Congratulations you two, I hope you’re as happy as Hulk Hogan’s ex and her Love Toy. . . ick.
#7) Marilyn Manson – He apparently did NOT get his start as Fred Savage’s geeky friend on“The Wonder Years”. I find that disappointing. Because, if someone needed to have at least ONE endearing quality it is the self-proclaimed “AntiChrist Superstar” In his earlier years he really did TRY to be “Scary” in the literal sense, but accomplished little more than getting a few “Pity Points” from me. He HAS been able to attract some lovely ladies in the past and that IS an accomplishment to some. Unfortunately, by and large, it seems that most of his “women” are just about as”Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” as he is. I would like to know who started the rumor about him being on the “Wonder Years”. Is it the same person that started the rumor about “Mikey” from Life Cereal dying from drinking Coke and eating “Pop Rocks”? Does anyone know Mr. Manson’s address? I ‘d like to send him a “Care Package”.
#6) Richard Simmons – Okay, I’m going from someone with little-to-NO endearing qualities, to a “man/centaur” with TOO MANY endearing qualities. “Ms. Simmons” is like a Care Bear on Crack. Though, I have heard very little from him in the last couple of years. (We apparently don’t run in the same ‘social circles’ – in fact, I think, he’s the only one that still runs in circles, socially) I have always been a little “off-put” by his “Nut-Hugger”shorts, shaved legs with FULL-ON Hairy MAN Chest and his “Bob Ross” afro. But his OVER EXUBERANCE with life is, too me, unsettling. Especially from someone, who admittedly suffered fromMajor Chronic Depression. I always wait for the other “running shoe” to drop with THIS one. His unnatural obsession with theMorbidly Obese is a Little too much for me. . . Especially, when he, as far as I can tell, has not been a very “thin” Fitness Guru.
#5) Kathy Lee Gifford – Don’t want to hear about your kids. Don’t want to hear about your Adulterous Husband and how you’ve managed to save your marriage.(Despite his SIZABLE NFL Pension, Broadcasting Residuals or Investment Prowess) I CERTAINLY don’t want to hear about the new “Musical” that you’ve written opening on “Off-Broadway”…”in the alley behind a soup kitchen that you donate all of your Easter Album revenue to…which amounts to roughly $36 after taxes” NOR, do I want to hear about your follow-up “Songs of Faith in the Season” Christmas CD. I don’t want to hear you talking to Hoda Kotb – carrying on and turning the last hour of the “Today Show” into the “When the Hell Will it be Tomorrow? Show”. . . Hey, I guess I don’t want to hear you at all. . . Imagine that. . . Yet, you keep going and going. Has anyone ever noticed that she has BECOME “Regis”? She “talks” just like him. . . Only I LIKE him. So to the “SweatShop Sweetheart”, I will have to take a pass. You can’t pull off “perky” into your 60’s. Find a hobby. . . But for God’s sake don’t TELL anyone about it.
#4) Janice Dickinson – Another freaky”Diva-Wanna-been” that I was reluctant to include on my “list”. I am not quite sure where, when, how or WHY her career started. She is another in a seemingly endless barrage of “Reality TV” folk that have, by their sheer overexposure managed to get a foothold a stake a claim inPop Culture infamy. I would like to see some of her modeling “credentials”. She is the self-proclaimed “First Super Model”. Wasn’t that Betty Page? Of course, Betty died in her “prime” last year at age 85. While, Janice does seem to have quite the “work ethic”, Still plugging away and outlasting Miss Page. I WILL have to say, that her“Overconfidence” while staring her impending decline into senility and dementia IS very entertaining, but. . . she makes me physically ill to actually look at or listen to for an extended period of time.
#3) Paris Hilton – What can I say about her that I haven’t already said? (Not much) “The Heiress that Couldn’t Make me Care Less”, just keeps continuing to pique the world’s interest. If someone could become famous for merely being wealthy, why don’t we care about the Warren Buffet sex tapes? They are pretty scandalous. . . Maybe it’s because it isn’t as SHOCKING. I know, Mr. Buffet gets AROUND. When that whole “Video Bugaboo”happened with such a Morally Upright ‘innocent’ like Paris, it made us ALL pause and take a look at “Where our World had Gone Wrong”. Well, I think that’s what most people did with it on “Pause”. I don’t know. . . she’s a slut. . . NEXT. . .
#2) Rosie O’Donnell
– Who got in “just under the wire” to make the list this year. She lost her“Social Relevance” about the same time she declared that her life was“Socially Relevant”. I am not a “Trump Leg-Hump”, but I have never really understood this lady’s (uh. . .) career. Like when she did the movie”Exit to Eden” in fishnet stockings (yikes). I think the fact that Dan Akroyd was her costar around the same time he made the movie”Nothing But Trouble”, should have been a warning to ANYONEwanting to watch something memorable and/or funny, in the early 90’s, that they (the early part of that decade’s years) just weren’t going to be what we’d hoped. I can’t blame her for Akroyd’s missteps, but I CAN blame her for plenty of other things. I don’t want to talk about theFlintstones, Another Stakeout, or any of her other “turkeys” (yet I just did) But her insistence that her LOVELIFE be the central “theme” of her “career”, just didn’t sit well with me. Not because she’s gay (oh yeah, she’s gay), but because she wanted us to all watch just how GAYwas to be DONE. Hey Ro! Here’s a box of Koosh balls, why don’t you take it and entertain some folks on another one of your WILDLY POPULAR “Gay People” CRUISES. . . Or you can send it to your best buddy and (I’m not sure how this works. . . being Gay and all) Crush. . .My TOP SCARY CELEB. . .
#1) Tom Cruise – This “Pint-Sized”Purveyor of Scientology Muckety-Muck and all aroundDungeon Master Level 7, “snuck” up through the ranks and Uber-BLASTED into SUPERSTARDOM, right before my eyes. I assume he is just a few years older than me. I remember watching him during my7th grade English class’s screening of “The Outsiders”. Where’d you go wrong Tom? When did you decide that being the “Dark Overlord of Scientology”, brainwashing a wife and child and single-handedly redefining the word “Creepy”, was where you were “going with all of this”? I think rather than “Peddle Your ‘Religious’ Views” in secret meetings and imparting your LIFE LESSONS on a world that you could surely save. . .if we just understood Muckety Muck like you do, you should focus your attention in not being such an Arrogant and Uniquely Butt-holish Pud-Tugger. . . Now, I don’t think I should have to resort to “Name-Calling” to illustrate my point. (you booger-faced scum sucker) I think you are illustrating that point to anyone that will still “listen” to you. I KNOW I’ve already Blasted Scientology of Late, but I had a final question(s). . . Why do they say “practicing”Scientologist? Is that like a “practicing” Catholic? A “practicing”Alcoholic? A “practicing” homosexual? What is it you’re “dabbling in” Tom? WHY do you need to “Practice”? Is Xenu priming its pump? Is there something that you and R2 would like to share? Did you bring enough for the “Whole Class”? On second thought, I think I’d rather remember you like you were in my 7th grade English class. . . you Scary Freak!
Just for Fun, Here’s the Second List for Your Halloween Enjoyment. . .
TOP TEN “Creepy Ditties” (because I choose to be thinking of them RIGHT NOW)
10) Dream Warriors (Dokken) At the height of Freddy’s popularity in Nightmare on Elm Street, hair band Dokken put this little number out. It is decidedly “awful”. But I enjoy remembering how much I thought this song was da’ bomb.
9) The Bird & the Worm (the Used) A wonderfully creepy intro and “hook”. The song is actually about a kid being abused in school and/or at home, but it is a cool joint. The video is also in the “rad” department, right next to “field hockey” equipment.
8) Dope Show (Marilyn Manson) Very dark and sinister sounding song. I think it speaks to the EVILS in HOLLYWOOD. At least through the eyes of someone that has done more designer drugs than any other human being.
7) Bark at the Moon (Ozzy Osbourne) I take that back. Ozzy’s done more designer drugs AND street drugs than anyone else. But this video is very cool and is EXACTLY the reason why I was banned from liking him as a child.
6) Inside the Fire (Disturbed) You would probably go straight to the Gates of Hell if you were “too into” this song. This is another theatrical brood, making parents’ rear-ends everywhere, “clench up” during the intro.
5) Ghost Town (Shiny Toy Guns) I am including this because it sounds like a Zombie Cheerleader is rapping. Also because my 5 year old daughter thinks this song has got it all and the video is a cartoon, which excites “Her and Me”.
4) Miss Murder (AFI) A LOT of dispute in my house about what this song actually means. My Wife LOVES the lead singer-Davey Havok, who was Adam Lambert long before Adam was. . . except the whole “Gay” thing. (I think) The song has “murder” in the title. . .and it’s catchy.
3) No More Mr. Nice Guy (Alice Cooper) This song has been used a lot in commercials, which would usually dissuade me from endorsing it, but Alice plays golf now, so it kind of makes sense. The video from the Movie”Shocker” (which I LOVE) was awesome.
2) People are Strange (Echo & the Bunnymen) Yes, it was a Doors Song. . . But this rendition was on “The Lost Boys” soundtrack, which is arguably one of the BEST FILMS EVER MADE.(around this time of year) I just like the way this version sounds, because it “takes me back”. Good song, GREAT MOVIE.
1) Thriller (Michael Jackson) The King of Pop (RIP) This would make the list, no matter the year. It just happens to be “THE YEAR”. I hate that I heard the song on a “Halloween Commercial” recently. I guess the “Beatles’ Catalog” is next. I don’t have to say much about this one.Vincent Price, Michael, John Landis, Quincy Jones. . .Magic. . .
. . . Well Everyone, Have a HAPPY AND SAFE HALLOWEEN!Catch you on the “flip side”. . .
‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later